An ode to Hellblade

I'm aware Hellblade has had many threads here over the last year, and I'm very late to the party, but I have something I want to get off my chest.

Until joining this sub, I wasn't overly aware of hellblade or how much work had gone into it, but the hype got me really intrigued. Once I went and watched the Xbox one trailer I knew it would be the next game in my list to pick up, so I started saving my reward points to get it with a voucher.

Whilst I gained those points I went to discover more about the game and how much work went into the mental health integration into the story, my intrigue became far greater on the back of that, which I will get to in a minute. Then later, once I discovered Andy Leplegua of Combichrist was handling the music, there were signs this game was made for me (I'm flying to Dublin next month just to watch them perform).

Now, the reason these elements mean a lot to me is due to one man. Over 6 years ago I became a DJ for a local rock club this was all thanks to a man named Alan. He saw how enthusiastic I was and knew that a space would become available at the club due to one of the DJs skipping the country. Alan and I got along really well, we shared a similar taste in music, one band we discussed regularly was Combichrist (the new DmC soundtrack was a topic of discussion around the time), he had faith on the back of our discussions that he made a right choice to have me in that club and later made himself into something of a father figure for me.

2 years later, I got a message from the guys I run the club with that it had been a few days since Alan's family had heard from him. Being that I was local to him I took it upon myself to pay him a visit to check up on him. Upon arriving at his flat the police were at his door, which at first seemed to me that they were investigating his whereabouts, that was until the police officer stepped out of the front door and broke the news he had passed. My heart sunk, we were due to be DJing together later that week and I had to break the news to the other guys at the club. It was the biggest shock I'd had in many years and it was difficult to recover from.

Following Alan's death I struggled a lot, I couldn't bring myself to go to work and I was signed off sick countless times. I was out of work for 9 months with anxiety and depression. I went through lots of medication and therapy before I finally felt right to go back to work. It was hands down the most difficult time in my life and I felt compelled to commit suicide several times.

These days I'm more at peace in my head than I ever have been, yet I still remember Alan fondly and speak to his mother on the odd occasion. But Hellblade itself reaffirmed my thought process of handling emotion. Whilst the game covers some elements of mental health I've not been exposed to (psychosis and delusions) it really picks up other aspects in a very unique way to help people who have never experienced any mental health issues understand what those are suffering might go through

POTENTIAL SPOILERS AHEAD:-

All of these aspects of the game are incredibly well handled, and I commend ninja theory for it, but nothing really prepared me for the ending. Fighting as Senua to claim back the soul of her lost boyfriend and fighting the darkness draws it's parallels to how much I felt the same way in the instance of wanting Alan to still be around. So when Senua comes to realise it's time to let go of Dillion, it reminded me instantly of the moment I came to terms with my loss too... But THEN Ninja Theory knew how to tug on my heart strings. As the credits rolled Illusion by VNV Nation kicked in, another favourite band of Alan's, and an artist he would sometimes play in our club during closing. This destroyed me and I broke down in tears and so did my girlfriend for nearly an hour. It was a bittersweet ending and a nice reminder of an old friend all the same. That very night we decided to travel an hour to where Alan spent most of his Saturday nights and have a drink to remember him.

As much as this game put me through so much emotion I can't help but be amazed by how well it's put together and I can't thank Ninja Theory enough for making it one hell of an experience that will stay with me forever.