Ponderings of the Lost Man

First time poster. Forgive me for any errors.

I am a man.

This is a certain fact. Yet this has become a point of contention in the world I live in.

Could it be? Am I a boy in a man's body; am I the proverbial Manchild?

Could it be? Am I in denial of my sex? Have I just been waiting to blossom into the feminine energy held back by my masculinity?

Could it be? That I have no value? That I am beneath even the consideration of my own species?

No.

A clear answer to all my worries, fantasies and delusions. Why can I believe in the clarity of such a thing? Are my worries, fantasies and delusions not born of a valid perspective? Many questions, but few answers. Few true answers.

I am a man.

This is the truest answer I know. I do not need the logic and rationality of modern man to ascertain this. I FEEL it to be so. I know it by my instincts. I know it by my behaviors. I know it by my body. I know it by my heart. I know it by my soul.

I am a man.

But I am lost. A deeply lost man. Lost in pain. Where is a lost man to turn to when his fellow men are also lost? Where does he turn to when the women he has known do not treat him as a man?

I have known few men; I have known many men. Men who have slipped into my life for brief, beautiful moments and taught me the beauty of the world; and men I love who accompany me in suffering.

I am a man.

I do not know what a man is.

I have read about men who inspired me deeply. Men with honor who braved great unknowns and overcame all odds. Men with love and compassion who work for the unity and betterment of himself, his family, and his world. Men who are honest and empathetic. Men that are beautiful and romantic. Men who are never shy to express his heart.

I do not know of this man, but I know this man. I want to be this man. I am this man.

How do I become more like these great men I have read about? How can I learn to be like these men who spur such deep inspiration in me? How do I find a man to teach me...?

The men I know cannot teach me. And I cannot teach them. They are lost as well. Lost in the same pain taken different form.

We are lost together in this search. We may not all know that we are lost in this search together. The pain we feel often drives us away from this search. Sometimes we hinder each other in our collective search. Sometimes we kill one another.

I am a man.

I am competitive. I am dominant. I am jealous. I am angry. I am vengeful. I am precise. I am judgmental. I am lethal. I am meek. I am scared. I am anxious. I am desperate. I am in pain. I am in denial.

I am this man.

I am the man who inspires me; I am the hero.

I am the man who terrifies me; I am the shadow.

And so I am lost. So we are lost. Lost trying to find the heroes we all see inside ourselves. Lost in the shadows of our own nature. Lost in the hope for a hero.

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