I’m 21, nearing the end of college and my time living at home. My parents are the sort of type that fight a lot, but refuse to separate. Kinda going back and forth between good and really bad. It’s made me feel like the smart parent in the house for the longest time. I legit feel old as fuck even though I’m 21. It’s exhausting. Anyone go through something similar?
Posted Jul 20, 2018, 11:05 AM UTC
Yeah, my entire childhood and a ways into my adulthood. They still bicker and snipe from time to time, but they've mellowed out now.
That being said, the house was just very hectic when I was young anyway. My mom and brother were extremely aggressive and flew off the handle a lot and got violent, threw/broke shit, stuff like that (my mom tended to target my dad, who's really passive; my brother would target me - though they'd go at each others' throats quite a lot, too).
I basically got a mixture of my parents' tempers - I can get really riled up like my mom, but it's not as common (now she gets more emotional or quiet if she's pissed), or I can get really passive-aggressive or bottle things up like my dad.
They used to throw shit (guess who cleaned?), but they’ve stopped. The yelling tho is just a straight line on a graph. Neither one of maybe parents are passive in anyway. Their fighting has lead me to my mentality of “no drama at any cost”. Meaning that if I disagree with someone, I don’t yell ever. Also, I think less of people who are easily offended sometimes. This shut definitely affected my personality and rationality.
Use them as a prime example of how not to be with your husband. Don't be a drain on or exhausting to others.
My parents split and it broke all of our hearts. Theirs too.
As someone who’s adopted this mentality I can this is probably the best advice to give someone who’s going through this, or worse. It almost feels like I’ve “evolved” beyond them. Keeping all the positive things I like about them, and abandoning the bad.
Been with my husband for 13 years, married for 6, we've never thrown anything or broken anything when upset with each other, never said fuck you or any profanity, ever, to the other person. Yes we've had a few arguments, not many, but we always end up feeling guilty about arguing in general with the other person.
They key is to be gentle at all times with your spouse... Physically as well as mentally. Neither one of us could imagine being in a arguing type of relationship.
Rather than saying you're a dick! I'd say I felt insulted when you _______. So it's more about expressing feelings anf observations rather than criticizing or insulting or trash talking.
Sounds like my dream relationship. Wholesome as fuck.
It's not rocket science. It just takes some effort to be mindful and selfless, as iften as possible. We're not perfect, either.
My parents do too but it’s mostly my mom stirring the pot. She likes to fight period and about stupid things too. Its just to the point where I’m going to finish college, find a decent job and move out. Its like I can’t even say anything or do anything without getting a fight from her. Even when she’s in the wrong, she’ll never apologize which it makes worse
Move out
My folks argue occasionally like married people do, but they've always done so like adults, and they're the sort who both want to solve their problems rather then dwell on them. That's a thing which made a very positive impression on me.
The closest thing my folks have had to an argument about my sexuality had to do with my mother initially wanting to make more of a fuss over it than was in any sense necessary, and fortunately my dad put a damper on that, for which I've always been very grateful.
Everything you described is what I went through — especially feeling like the smart parent. I ultimately moved out from my family home and into an apartment with my boyfriend when I was 18 because it was getting to me. I ultimately think it was the right decision because the fighting can be draining for everyone around it. Have you tried talking to one or the other about it?
I’ve tried them separately and together. Doesn’t reallly change anything. I don’t hate them because they’re both very nice to me, but I’d be lying if I said I did resent their fighting.
It can be hard — at least you have this platform to voice how you feel and hear from others that are/were going through it. I didn’t know about reddit when I lived at home so I didn’t know I could hear from others that went through the same thing — in hindsight it would have been very helpful. I just look at my parents relationship and swear that I’ll never treat my partner the same way.
Honestly, part of me feels like “could have been worse, they weren’t physically abusive. Their childishness has made me stronger/wiser than my age”. Another part of me feels a little hurt. I don’t feel like a victim, but I’d completely understand if someone wanted to use that term. They love each other one day, one sleeps on the couch the next, but I don’t think they’ll ever know the weight they’ve put on me.