Family

I moved away from my hometown to persue a career which I failed in after 6 years because of depression. I spent another 5 years putting off the decision to come home because I couldn't let go; what if I go back to work?

In a moment of clarity and respite from the pain I saw what I valued most. It wasn't my work, it was my family. It is because of them I haven't killed myself the last 5 years and I realized if I'm going to stay alive for them then why the hell am I living 2000km away and only seeing them twice a year.

I planned a move back home for the end of this summer but my brother got sick and I decided to move asap and did so within about 4 days. Fuck that was a lot of work.

At first it was so nice to be home, living at the parents cabin where it's beautiful and quite, my brothers being a short 3 hour drive away; I can go visit then anytime.

Well it's only my third visit and my older brother is already wanting to fight with me, my mom thinks I'm a bane to both my brothers. Everything is always my fault.

Now they are nagging me to get a job, trying to put conditions on my moving home, after the fact, when they have been asking me to move home for years. They told me I could come stay as long as I want no problem but now that I'm here It's a big fucking deal if I'm not recovering according to their liking.

I've been suicidal for 21 years and it was a seeming maricle that took that away about about 3 months ago. But now feeling unsupported by my family, regretting leaving behind a life I had built over 10 years, with no job, no friends, no place to call my own here, I sense those familiar feelings coming back.

I knew my break from suicidality was only temporary but I had hoped it would have least lasted long enough for me to build a new life.

The real truth about why I moved home was not for me to be with my family. Rather it was for my family to be with me. When I could think clearly I saw that this disease is probably going to kill me and I don't know how much longer I have. All that has kept me going is the empathy for my families grief. And so I came home to gift them as much time with their son, their bother, as I can before I leave this place. I fear I may have been too late, I don't know how much more I can give.