Source
r/OCPoetry•
spitwitandwater

But are you entertained...

Feedback Received!

Before I step out on the street

I lace up my Nike Supremes.

My flow is unique.

You might not like what I say.

That is okay.

I will say it anyway.

Stop-

Only in places I want.

I will not stop.

I’m on a roll.

Walking on mountain tops,

Play in snow.

My advice, if I fall,

Please watch out below.

It’s a show.

I am here for your entertainment

It’s my job

To make sure that your money’s well spent.

If you’re fooled,

For a second, then I’ve done my job.

The life of a poet’s not an honest one.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/91ngx6/comment/e2zcs47?st=JK0GLZ5A&sh=010f40a2

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/91nf6h/comment/e2zcwn0?st=JK0GONQ0&sh=52a9b9dd

Posted Jul 25, 2018, 1:43 AM UTC

610
kgaus27•

I like the way the apparently unwarranted emphasis on the Nike Supremes acts as a red herring in a way. By the end you think the poem could be about consumerism, in the sense that the narrator has bought new shoes which leaves them feeling on top of the world until the novelty wears off and they realise they actually just dropped a heap of money on some stitched material that covers their feet.

However, on a deeper level of thought, the poem appears to be about how the author is trying to catch their audience in a moment of appreciation in order to receive praise or a less abstract incentive, such as revenue from the publication of a work. In this line of thought, the poem is essentially a discussion of the relationship between the author and the audience, and suggests that this relationship is often exploitative. I may have misinterpreted all of this, but I think is was a deceptively simple poem with a great message.

As for criticism, the rhyme scheme appears insistent. I tend to think when it comes to rhyme that is needs to be adhered to or abandoned completely. However, you have also said in a few poems that these may be raps, and when read out loud or to a beat they may rhyme, just not on paper. So if that is the case just disregard my criticism.

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spitwitandwaterOP•

My intention was the second interpretation, but I enjoyed the first one as well. I think art is often exploitive when it comes to capturing the attention of the audience. I appreciate honesty, but really, I think people just want it to “feel honest” not be honest. I think a poem is like a little illusion created by a magician. That if pulled off correctly can create an amazing affect in the audience.

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kgaus27•

I have considered this, especially on reddit. I find the poems I am 'honest' in, or the ones that interest me most, get the least votes and comments, while the worst ones I have written, which tend to have the most cliched imagery and are vague for the sake of it, perform much better. People definitely want the honest 'feel', rather than genuine honesty.

1
kgaus27•

I just wrote up a poem and posted it to put this idea to the test. It will be interesting to see how it is received.

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spitwitandwaterOP•

I think I have the beat so wrapped in my brain that I read it automatically to it. Only after coming back to the poem after a day now, do I see how impossible it is to find the flow with my line breaks/punctuation. I think I gotta be more consistent with the rhyming or wait and post it with a beat haha

1
squawkercr•

I'd argue that a poets life is an honest life. Without honesty you're never going to have genuine insights in your poetry, and you're going to start stumbling in your work. Honesty is what's going to make you relatable and draw deeper connections to an audience. It's true, part of poetry is making money if you have a book, or win an award, or get published, or yada yada yada. It pays measles in the beginning and most of the time nothing at all, so focusing on the pay may be a bit of a lackluster focus.

As for your poem, I think you should get more honest. Talk about your life. What makes you unique? Speaking in abstractions is going to cripple every line. Try making your work more concrete and real with imagery and narrative. You have a meter down, but there's so much more to poetry you could incorporate if you wanted.

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spitwitandwaterOP•

This is not a pipe.

But it’s definitely lacking concrete details. Ive been writing flighty poem/raps recently focusing on the sounds stuff. I should work to incorporate more concrete images. And thanks for the thoughtful feedback. Please feel free to critique any of my other posts!

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kgaus27•

"This is not a pipe" - bordering on needlessly intellectual, but a great reply nonetheless.

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spitwitandwaterOP•

It did not really answer the legit issues raised by the other poster. But seemed fitting and funny at the time.

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kgaus27•

Yeah it was evasive as hell - but hilarious.

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