HELP: AM I TRANS?
Hi! AFAB here, age 15 (soon to be 16, woot woot). Recently, I've been having a lot of thoughts about transgenderism, and how it relates to me.
Ever since I can remember, I've always WONDERED what it's like to be a boy. I chalked it up to being curious, as every girl must be. The farthest memory I have of this is being about 3 or 4 and trying to picture my room if I'd gotten rid of all my tiaras, girly beanie babies, etc and replaced it with boys' toys--imagining if I was a boy. But, this didn't really stick and didn't seem too significant at the time. I grew up being okay with being female. I identified as female.
But, when I found out about sex, I didn't want to have a penis go into my vagina. I wanted to be the one with the penis. I wanted to play that part. These thoughts have always kind of been there but I haven't really made a big deal about them. I remember at one point, though, later in my adolescence, pretending that I had a penis really excited me. But, once again, I kind of just let these thoughts go.
Since about age 10, I've been interested in FTM transgender individuals, and really admired their transitions. I kind of envied them, at times. I, verily, gave the idea a bit of thought, but more or less without myself in the equation. I imagined what it would be like to be transgender, but more about being male in general. The strong jawline, the shoulders, the beard, the hair, the voice, the way they dress...their penises. It was less about wanting to be with one than it was about BEING one. But not me, I was sure. Not in this lifetime. The thoughts, as always, drifted to the back of my head and stayed there, out of the spotlight for a long time.
When I was about 13-14, I went through a process of trying to define my sexuality (after a LONG, ugly, depressing internal battle, I rested upon queer, knowing that I like women and men, but how much of either often changes). For awhile, I was primarily attracted to women. But, when paying mind to queer media, for some reason, I always identified more with gay men (stick with me here). While identifying as a female, a relationship with a male doesn't seem very desirable to me. I don't really like that dynamic. But, when I imagine being with a male AS a male, it just feels so...right. I get these really strong butterflies when I see two men together, almost as if I'M the one experiencing this. This is sort of silly, but at one point, I was really sad that I wasn't born as a man because I would never be able to have this sort of relationship. It was the point where I figured in some other life, I would be born a boy so I could happily be with one. As female, I'm currently with a female, but I'm beginning to question if this is really fulfilling for me--if it's what I want. I know that even if I remain a female, I will always wish that I was a man that was with a man. Is that weird????
AND FINALLY, now. How am I fairing now? Well, a few weeks ago, whilst on vacation, I watched this movie called "God's Own Country," which is about a male v. male relationship. I literally felt so connected to this dynamic, to the beingness of these two cis-gendered men, that it literally frightened me a little bit. Almost if this is the narrative I'm supposed to be living, but am not because I stupidly imagined that I'll just have to be female until I die and become a man in some hypothetical reincarnation lol. I started wondering if it's possible that I might be...transgender. A strange inquisition for me. It felt funny, weird, but very exciting to ponder this about...myself? Yes, me. What if I, a troubled 15 year-old, might be transgender? YIPES idk.
Ever since I've done more reading about it, finally applying it to myself, the idea has absolutely psyched me up. The idea of being a boy is so thrilling and exciting and...right. But, I don't, and haven't really ever, struggled with strong dysphoria. Little bits here and there, sure, but never to the point where I HATED being female. Actually, I've never hated the fact that I am, biologically, female. It still doesn't really BOTHER me, it's just more or less something I wish I just wasn't. But, if I was never able to transition, I think I would be okay, just probably really bummed and I would most likely just fantasize about it. Does this mean I might just be projecting this fantasy onto past experiences that create this FTM narrative? I haven't ever explicitly thought I was a boy trapped in a girl's body until recently. But even now, I don't feel super suffocated or whatever. I just feel like I would RATHER be a boy, but if I HAD to be a girl, I would be okay. (Sorry for the repetitiveness, I'm a bit jumbled atm). Am I trans? Will this pass? I don't want it to, but will it? Is this normal? Am I just creating this? Please help.
tl;dr
I think i might be trans, have had some trans-centered thoughts throughout my life, never took it seriously. haven't had strong dysphoria but i really wish i was a male.
Posted Jul 26, 2018, 6:39 PM UTC
Try to listen to a feeling of happyness, and try to find ways to go to where it points to. It can be used as a guide.
Trans people often were told in some way (frowns from others count too) to behave like the gender assigned at birth when they grew up so they tried to adapt and repressed parts of their personality. This can lead to being used to trying to adapt to outside sources instead of listening to an inner feeling. So they can be like an assortment of adaptions to the outside. There can be various issues because of this, including depression.
Some didn't show early signs, others even tried to overdo with gender roles, like in sports ( think Jenner) until they find out its not how they really feel. People can find out in all ages. Important is how people feel now.
Many say they have a feeling of emptiness, or a feeling of life being in black and white.
Integrating repressed parts can make for a feeling to be a genuine person. It enables the real person to come to the foreground.
With integrating repressed parts, and also with HRT, it may get better. Many trans people have a feeling of unease on hormones of the gender assigned at birth. Some describe it like a permanent storm cloud above. Many say they have a feeling of relief, or like a fog lifting, on hormones of the gender they identify with.
And its a trans spectrum and people can have various levels of social and body dysphoria. And some people disassociate a lot .. a feeling like nothing is real, feeling spaced out, etc. It can be a mechanism to not feel body dysphoria as much.
A few things from here might be helpful. I'd say pick what you feel could help.
There is a vid with questions in the resources. Answers could help get a better view, and talk to a gender therapist. There are also hints on how to look for a supportive therapist. If its connected with depression it might be covered, or there might be sliding scales. And some people write down what they want to say, and read it to them, or give it to them/ send it via mail. It may be easier than talking.
There is also a vid with things that can be tried before coming out in the resources.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFAHekwBiS0
http://ftmguide.rassaku.net/
http://transmanhelp.tumblr.com/post/67512422629/transman-help-tip-4-pants
The other route is informed consent but quite a few people have a therapist in parallel, even if it would not be needed. Some plannedparenthood do informed consent. And even out of pocket HRT may not be that much. Most usually is lab costs and it may be possible to ask what different places want.
And suppression may not be helpful. Dysphoria may get stronger over time, and people may go through times of repressions and breakthroughs, which can be stressful.
Instead looking for treatment can make for much more happiness eventually. And its not necessary to widely come out first. It is possible to do things step by step, to try out a few things, to look for a therapist, etc. Some people wait a while until there are results before they tell others.
And its a step by step process, starting with easy reversible steps first. People have time to think about how it makes them feel.
Looking for support, like from support groups or PFLAG, and connecting to other trans people may also be a good idea. I'd say just try to look for positive people.
https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/7zhv4v/discord_server_for_trans/
https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/8wvfa2/wheres_another_safe_place_where_i_can_talk_to/
hugs
Whoa I'm questioning myself and I just want to say thank you for this
<3 You're welcome