I killed my imaginary friend 11 years ago and I still don't want to get over it.
This is a confession because I know how to get better, but I don't want to. I made a post on r/atheism that goy me great replies and helped me figure out exactly how fucked I am. It's my fault and I accept that. I don't want to get better.
When I was a young kid in Grade 7, I killed my imaginary friend. I was in love with her, she was my everything. I killed her because I knew that I needed to grow up. Ever seen the south park episode "1%"? I did, and I love south park, but I couldn't laugh at this episode because it hit WAY too close to home for me. I went through exactly what Cartman did, except I didn't get better.
I'm numb. I've attempted suicide multiple times, I hate the world around me, and I don't want anything that isn't my lover back. But at the same time, I don't want to be fooled again by reviving her and loving someone imaginary. So I'm fucked. I'm in a mental deadlock that a dozen therapists haven't been able to help me with.
I'm married to someone and I feel nothing for her. The marraige is kind of just a conveniance for me. She knows this deep down and we just don't talk to it. Pretty sure she's in denial, and also the fact that she can't stop loving me no matter how hard she tries. I'd pity her if I was capable of feeling a real emotion for a human.
I hate myself for killing my imaginary soul mate and I also hate myself for having her exist to begin with.
Posted Aug 1, 2018, 1:56 PM UTC · edited
I hate to be mean but this isn't normal, you just need to get help. Being attached to something from your childhood that never existed is very wrong. Idk what to suggest but don't act like this was ever something real because it wasn't.
Help like what? I've seen over a dozen therapists. They all say something along the lines of "you just don't know yourself, and I can't help you know yourself"
Well, the feelings I had were sure as hell real. the same feelings that I miss.
well they weren't, they were in your imagination. you were friends with something that wasn't real, still attaching yourself to that is very toxic and revisiting it isnt going to help you. As you say in the title of this post, the issue is that you don't want to get over it, when you should just think about the fact that the thing you loved wasnt benefiting you in life in anyway and has now caused you to become attached to it even though it never existed in the first place.
what you felt may have been 'real' but the actual person you felt them for was not, it was a fantasy so just acknowledge that and move on, or get help from a proffessional. Not all therapists will instantly understand you. I know someone who went through 20 different therapists to find the right one to help them, because in therapy its best if you like the therapist and feel like they understand you. Just keep trying.
But what it seems like is they have a point, if you aren't self aware about the fact that an imaginary friend isn't real and the feelings you felt were a fantasy then you'll never improve.
My feelings weren't "real"? How can a feeling not be real? what is it then? I was just "imagining" myself crying?
So what am I supposed to do with these strongest feelings I've ever had in my life? To try to just ignore them is absolute agony.
If you want to get on with your life you have to acknowledge that they were in service of nothing that will ever benefit you. The feelings you felt were in basic terms nothing more than in service of a fantasy that you conjured up.