THE OLD CROSSROADS
I took a road less traveled
And had to beat back thorns.
My legs were scratched. My hands were scraped.
My clothes were ripped and torn.
I thought, "Oh God! What have I done?"
I'm getting stuck in here.
The beaten path was tried and true."
My heart was filled with fear.
I sneaked and peeked 'round every bend
To hide from Slew Foot's face.
I searched and searched to find the path
To save me from this place.
I found it and I headed back
The way that I came in.
The briers tried to hold me back
Their fingers gouged my skin.
I stumbled out butt naked,
My body torn and frail.
My wandering days were over.
I made it out of Hell.
No paths less traveled for me now
I'll take the beaten Way.
I've learned the path that's tried and true
Is better any day.
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/93w45d/taking_suggestions/e3i0ma6/?context=0
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/93m8zi/psychosis/e3hvm63/?context=0
Posted Aug 3, 2018, 1:27 AM UTC · edited
This is great! The meter really works well and gives the poem a natural, playful feel to it. I also think it's great to see a less romantic take on the road less traveled.
The only things that I didn't like were in the second to last stanza. "Frail" and "Hell" don't rhyme (at least in the American Midwest).
Also, in the first line you said "I stumbled" (past tense) but in the fourth you said "I'd made" (past perfect tense). That's technically correct if you're trying to emphasize that your wandering days ended after you made it out of Hell, but I think it still sounds off since the rest of the poem was so consistent.
As hard as I try, I can't make "frail" and "Hell" not rhyme. My blasted tongue and brain wont cooperate. :)
I did want to emphasize that I would never take the road less traveled again which is why I used the expression "I had finally made it." but I do see what you are saying about how the tense change seems awkward. Thank you for your detailed critique. I will probably change the tense as it it is not going to really change what the poem is saying anyway.
Ha ha, I figured it might be an accent thing. Keep up the great work!
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