Source
r/OCPoetry•
poetry-with-Lexx

Lucid Dreams

Feedback Received!

I hate these lucid dreams

Is there something I'm supposed to see?

Or is it my fear bursting at the seams?

//

All I want is to be free

And have these lucid dreams leave me be

Bringing back these memories is just mean

//

Free in my mind but not in my heart

So never really free even from the start

I just want to forget

And not regret

The things I've done

The thoughts I have

These feelings overwhelm my soul

Maybe that's why it's so hard to let it all go

Feedback:

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/95576b/in_solitude/e3ro2zj

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/954h1m/preserve/e3roge1

Posted Aug 7, 2018, 4:51 PM UTC · edited

39
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
SouthernDeathCult•

The tone and message of the poem is clear and direct, which is good.

A few things:

“never really free even from the start” is redundant and undermines the nice line that precedes it. You could just replace it with something else to keep the rhyme going.

“The thoughts have” seems a little out of place or incomplete, especially since it doesn’t fit the rhyme scheme.

Also, I think you should describe the dreams in a more vivid way to help the reader understand why they’re haunting you.

Nice job:)

1
poetry-with-LexxOP•

Ah, yes. The thoughts is a typo, I left out "I". Thanks for catching that!

And okay, I see what you're saying. I'll have to think about adding more about the dreams themselves. IDK if I'm ready to put them on paper yet...

Thanks so much for the feedback!!

1
SouthernDeathCult•

No problemo. Yeah the I makes a lot more sense lol.

1
WithOneSipOfTea•

Straightforward and had a somber vibe to it, the closing lines really stood out to me. This was just the right amount of verbiage/creativity and emotion to really appeal to me. I wouldn't know how to critique this as it stands, I just wanted to share my thoughts. Thank you for sharing !

1
poetry-with-LexxOP•

Wonderful! Thanks so much!

1
PCMLucifer•

I know the feeling. Not Lucid dreams, but I HATE deja-vues

1
poetry-with-LexxOP•

Yes! Very erie.

2
PCMLucifer•

hehe I got a panic attack because of 5-6 deja-vues in a span of 2 minutes ..... I literally knew what everyone is going to say for the next 3 minutes or so!

1
poetry-with-LexxOP•

Oh, wow. That's intense!

2