I have never loved my wife, and she has no idea.

We met online after my last suicide attempt. I'm pretty much only with her as an excuse not to try killing myself again, and to ward off crippling loneliness.

Meanwhile she is absolutely obsessed with me. We've been together for 5 years now and she still says things like "I just get so happy when I lay in bed and stare at you".
And then there's me, I feel nothing for her at all other than a sense of commitment. I still have dreams at least once a month about the girl I loved in high school (the only one I ever did). When I wake up from those dreams I am heartbroken and sappy and the days I've had with my wife afterwards she says are the best days she's had with me.

There's nothing really wrong with my wife. She's very beautiful, very healthy, smart, witty as hell, and extremely passionate. She's everything I wish I could be. I know I treat her well, I buy her everything she wants, try my hardest to fulfil her every need and I never really ask for anything for myself. I just don't do it out of love. I dont feel happy for doing any of this, I just feel not-lonely.