Frustrated on waiting for a "Green Light"
So as a followup to this thread : https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/8yg04v/dont_know_if_asking_my_friend_out_would_be/
I asked out my friend and she said she was interested but had to run it by her bf. They've been together for over a year now and she told her bf before they started dating that she was poly. They havent had any poly relationship since theyve been dating but he has encouraged her to flirt with girls.
Apparently he's still not comfortable with the idea yet. She brought the idea up to him and he said he doesnt exactly trust me, for unknown reasons, and that he thinks I should "better" myself and get my act together.
He's still thinking it over and meanwhile I've been spending a lot of time with my friend and been cuddling and spending long nights together (which he's ok with). We've essentially been on plenty of "dates" but theres only so much I can take without being intimate and respecting their relationship.
I feel like I'm waiting for permission from him and its making me frustrated. I understand he needs to be comfortable with it and I can respect that, but he's had a year to think it over and I think he's putting a lot of pressure on me.
I really like the girl and willing to wait but I dont know what to do in the meantime. I dont want to keep prodding them and adding strain to their relationship but I feel weird just being there.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Posted Aug 26, 2018, 12:37 AM UTC
Well, this isn’t his problem, it’s hers. She’s the one that is not pushing him to act - not putting down any sort of timeline or challenge to him. If you sit there and let the reluctant partner have all the say over everything, forever, it will never change, because he knows she’s not going to act unless he gives the green light, which he will never do as long as she has no timeline as to when he needs to buck up and either say “I don’t want this” or “I’m ok with this.”
He doesn’t have to be fine with anything, but if she wants to be with you, she needs to make a decision for herself - realize that he is never going to Ok this and either leave or stay, or tell him “I’ve given you a year to get used to this, so now it’s time to shit or get off the pot” and then he can decide if he wants to stay or go.
I agree with the above poster, the bf and your interest might have stuff to work out, but its not the bf that's the problem standing in your way. Your interest shouldn't have told you the stuff her bf said ("get their shit together") cause that's not good hinge behavior. It's really them that needs to be managing things. You're already set up to see the bf as the bad guy/person hampering your happiness although its your friend's choice to wait until her bf is comfy.
It sucks that you're spending so much time together but not getting to actually date the way you want, but I'd suggest backing off on that if it's going to build resentment towards the bf, I'd take some space/a break until your friend can actually be available (and she probably will have more bandwidth to make that happen if she's not in this weird in between place with you while she sorts stuff out with her bf)