Sad

The sun rose today, a lot of people will say thats already great.

To me its already grey. Why did I paint my reality gray?

I know a lot of my misery is my own perception but that there is also the misconception.

Bad shit happens to people all the time but when it happens to me I some how had it coming like a direct deposit?

Sometimes I wish I had more time to go back in time to a time where time seemed relevant. Too bad I spent all of it.

I wish for the time when I wasn't aware of how bare my life would be compared to others.

No friends. No money. No prostects. No relationships either.

Pain so bad, I need to be ether'd.

Getting up everyday knowing I'll be drifting away the same way to repeat the cycle of me being by myself.

It hurts me. Sure, it may not seem like I'm constantly fearful that this is a movie with no sequel and I'm in the third act of a four act feature.

People live their lives like its a movie, I'm seeing it live and we're alive but I'm not experiencing what you're experiencing.

You're IRL, I'm VR. Can't stand what I see in the mirror.

You know your "bad days" when everything goes wrong but you got your loved ones to be your umbrella through the storm?

I have no one. But extend those days to years then years to decades, unfathomable loneliness I need to get my head straight. Maybe I should take this razor blade to an artery so I can finally experience life in its entierty.

So understand when I act a fool or come off as fucked up, just remember I'm your bad day living a lifetime. Trying my best but nothing seems to work like finishing a race only to place worst.

Cause I'm the same as you. You might think I'm lazy or weird. You don't like me thats for sure. Why? You think I'm THAT different than you? Like I washed up from the shores?

I'm a human too. Sure I have my faults and I know its my fault. But why should happiness be locked in a vault?

The combinations I've been hearing are starting to pile up. They think its just a series of numbers but the key to happinees for me needs to be pick-locked.

Apparently I need to change or become better behaved when I was told to be myself, now I'm scolded when I was told to be bold.

This shit out of control. Any remote chance of a new first glance is denied like me asking for my first dance...HELL NO!

More like game over. Out of time. Out of step. Maybe thats why I can't dance.

Damn, shit is getting too long. Maybe I'll post again or maybe I'll put pen to pad and say goodbye to Mom and Dad.

Suicide is always what I had in my back pocket like a wallet, I only notice you when I'm empty.

Too bad the life people said would fulfill me had me empty like a gas tank.

Need to fill up the tank to feed the CO into my lungs or do it slowly with nicotine, you think I care? I want to shorten this ride, not extend it. I'm driving NASCAR speed while you're doing scenic.

Time to stop writing cause its pouring out quickly like the faucet thats stuck on open, fuck a plumber, I'll drown as I watch it all go under.

Cause I can't swim. Everyone is doing the back stroke while I cope with the fact I'm falling behind like a slow clock, the one next to your bed, not your wirstwatch.

Feels like all I can do is watch as the years move fast, as this disaster is buring up faster than an higher fever, I'm not a deciever. Faking it cause if I showed you how I felt you'd distance yourself like I have a fever.

So I'm doing this for the both of us, not just me.

Shit makes no sense but I put on this mask to rob myself so you don't have to experience it. Shit is serious.

Like a heart ache when you have no first dates but you feel rejection so often you confuse it for a pulse rate.

No longer beating. Cold and frozen like its Winter in Poland. Haven't been there but I heard stories like relationships and happiness are destiney for everyone but my name wasn't on the guest list.

I guess I'll end it now, this piece of writing or my life.

Both went on for too long and its time to move along to the next chapter.

Proof 1

Proof 2