Source
r/Frugal•
Hopieg

Does anyone have problems with friends or dates paying for things when you can’t?

I’m a single mom of four awesome, teenage, kids. I’m in a fairly new relationship with a great guy, who wants to include my kids in things. I’m happy about this part.

I don’t mind an occasional pizza for a movie night in, but I get really uncomfortable with him wanting to pay for things all the time. For example: there is a festival in town. I don’t have the money to pay for my kids to go, and feed them, too, so I decided we wouldn’t go. He offered to pay, but my kids are old enough that I don’t want them to see me taking things from him all the time, and believing that’s ok.

Anyway, I’m not sure this belongs here, but being frugal, and not going against my budget keeps us from doing a lot of fun things. I could let him pay for things, but I believe that if I can’t afford it, we shouldn’t go. I’m responsible for my kids, and until our relationship reaches a stage where we are all together all the time, he shouldn’t be.

What do you all think?

Posted Sep 21, 2018, 8:06 PM UTC

912
agnor550•

I think the key thing is that you've identified that you're not yet ready / at the stage to be "all of us" yet. If you were, then I'd see no problem with having him pay, if he's excited to be all together and it's the difference between "go" or "no go". You could also always counter this being the one to suggest more frugally-oriented activities. As I read your post, I was thinking "what's the big deal? this sounds great!" until I read that second-to-last line with "until our relationship reaches a stage where we are all together all the time".

You could always make a r/relationships post out of this, as well, but I'd just suggest that you talk with him about it so that way no feelings are hurt or anything. Make it about the kids and stages and not the money itself, that you want to take it slow before just launching into that phase, and so on, and I'd think he'd understand.

15
agnor550•

And to answer the bigger question that you asked, with a partner, it depends on what the "thing" is. I usually ask myself, "is this important to them or is this just a random frivolous purchase for them?" If it's important to them, then I'll go often for it, because we all get value from our money differently and I'm glad they want to do the thing and that they want to include me.

For friends, it'd be the same thing, mostly, although more tempted to pass on the offer but thank them very much for it. It'd also depend on whether it was "just a friend" or a bestie I've known for ever and is like family, etc.

5
HopiegOP•

Thanks for this, it’s what I was looking for. This is more of a treat, and a way to spend time together, since two of my kids live with their dad. (All four same dad.) I wanted to do this for them, and bills fell in a way it wasn’t possible.

I will text the guy I’m seeing in a little bit, and maybe revisit the issue. Maybe there’s a different way to go about it.

2
agnor550•

Then I would totally go for it! You could say something like, "we don't normally do events like these, but this sounds wonderful!" That way it kinda sets the stage that it's not an "all-the-time" kind of thing.

I hope you're able to make it happen together and that everyone have a great time.

2
HopiegOP•

We ended up going, him, my son, and me. It was a fun day, and I made him promise that we stay home and I cook dinner next time. 😊

1
Barlight24•

Surely there's a way for four teenagers to earn funfair money. Does he need his car detailed?

6
HopiegOP•

I agree completely. My oldest works, my second has a paper route, and my third babysits. They have pocket money on occasion.

Two of my four live with their dad, and this is more of a treat, than anything- us being all in one place, and getting to spend time together. Normally I would tell them to spend their own money, but this is more something I want to do for them.

3
Strength_sport_•

I agree, so they have jobs?

1
deerheadapparition•

I used to have a higher wage and lower living costs than someone I dated. I was totally happy paying for most meals out/drinks etc. The only thing I didn’t want was for her to take it for granted or to take the piss.

If someone offers you something and you want it, it is okay to say yes sometimes.

I’d second the idea of seeing if your kids could start to earn a little on their own.

Also if someone suggests something that I feel is expensive and I can’t afford I always think the best way to counter it is to suggest something even more fun and yet cheaper.

2
HopiegOP•

Making other suggestions is a good idea. I’ll keep this idea for another day.

2
Maxcactus•

You must really be a great person that they want to include in heir good times. My advice is to be a graceful receiver and pitch in as much as you feel comfortable. Reciprocate with low cost activities that you can treat them with. Bottom line, be your own person and do the best thing for you .

2
HopiegOP•

Thank you! 😊

1