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Hello everyone. I am putting together a book of poetry for my SO that I intend to publish and give as a gift. Its gonna be just a one off copy I give to her, nothing extraordinary like self publishing a whole mess of books. That being said, I was hoping to get some feedback on 2 short poems, I just want to make sure they are the right amount of cheesy for something like this. It isnt all poems about love, I try to capture real elements of our relationship, like when we hurt each other and whatnot.

If I am milk

Then you are mud.

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If my skin looks like bone

Then yours looks like earth.

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If I burn in the violence of the sun

Then you melt in the soft of the rain.

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If I am dumb in the face of your beauty

Then you are goddess in the face of mine.

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If I grow in a battle of words

Then you crumble in the prison of thought.

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If I run to a fortress of loneliness

Then you are keeper of its gates.

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If I fall at the feet of your femininity

Then you rise in the wake of mine.

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If I come to you dumb and silent

Then you take me into the cradle of your breasts.

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The only logic here

Is the safety of your skin.

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Maybe I forgot to tell you, lioness

That I often thought of you

Undressed and at ease

Vulnerable and ready to pounce

And that I echoed everything you said

In the still of my bedroom

Of my head.

That when you finally found me

I was hardly alive

And I do not remember if I breathed.

That when you first sat in front of me

I grabbed at the invisible nothing

(the one you would later find

I mold endlessly)

Because you were not real.

I had never seen anything like that.

You were cruel

In your audacity.

How dare you show me everything

I was missing out on.

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Feedback:

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/9p58xm/chet_baker_sings/e7za0t4

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https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/9p5et3/simple_sounds/e7zabko

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