Source
r/OCPoetry•
jv2951

Clarity

Feedback Received!

The eternal twilight,

That only shows itself

To those Who have embraced
Oblivion.

​

How I long to see it again.

Maybe one night.

​

But for now

I’m confined

to this prison

of flesh.

​

We will be together again soon,

Whispered the moon.

I’ve missed you.

​

The only words

I’ve ever heard

That made me feel

At peace.

​

​

Feedback 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/9tkwo7/to_the_only_girl_i_ever_loved/e8xdv52:

2: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/9uqkc0/life/e96hkev

Posted Nov 6, 2018, 8:24 PM UTC

42
Halcyon1984•

I like how this feels very much you are conveying an idea of longing for a state that may be unobtainable? I think the only thing i would change would be the words confined its too concrete? in this piece maby something like "held" but i love the sense of longing and otherness you have here... 😊

1
gwrgwir•

The piece could be condensed to just the last 2 stanzas, and even that seems like it could be shortened slightly. The first stanza is generic/vague, and the second builds on that. The third presents contrast to 1-2, but doesn't go anywhere with it, which leaves 4-5 as the meat of the piece.

1