Source
r/stopdrinking•
PauseAndReflect

I fucked up and I hate it

The short story is that my husband is a huge factor in keeping me sober. When I can’t or won’t do it for myself, I do it for him. We had a bad fight last night, and I had the opportunity to drink. I drank. I’m now awake at 6am with a raging headache and regret.

I’ll spare you the details, but it was NOT worth it. I hadn’t eaten a thing all day, so you can imagine how sloppy drunk I got. I’m feeling like shit right now, I slept in my makeup, and I thought I lost my credit card (thankfully I did not).

If you have the opportunity to drink: don’t. I feel like an asshole, I almost lost my financial link to the world, and my head is absolutely spinning. I stink of alcohol.

I am an asshole. I feel hopeless. 72 days sober to fuck it up like I did over one lousy fight— what a dick. My husband is probably super angry at me now, and rightfully so. I just feel like sobbing right now.

I don’t know how it happened, but I can assure you that it started with the first drink. If you’re sitting there thinking that one won’t hurt, let me tell you that it most certainly will derail everything you’ve put into recovery to this point.

I just wish I could go back in time and stop that first drink. I still have my credit card and nobody knows how awful drunk I got except me (my husband barely saw me come home, though I’m sure he can smell me), but I know how awful drunk I got and I can’t accept it. I have no dignity or respect for myself.

Posted Dec 1, 2018, 5:09 AM UTC · edited

47
Sibleyeb73 days•

You’re not an asshole. You are doing your best. The exact thing almost happened to me last night so I totally get it. I just didn’t have to opportunity easily act on it. I would feel shameful and hopeless today too if that had been the case, but looking from the outside in, I can see that you are not an asshole, dick, or anything negative at all for what happened. Be kind to yourself, you really truly deserve it.

3
firestar5544 days•

You are a good person. Your 72 sober days are still there. Dust yourself off and learn from it. IWNDWYT

2
bluhax90 days•

It’s ok. We all make mistakes. That’s why we’re here. And we are here together.

You are not an asshole. You are in recovery from a soul crushing disease. It’s hard. Really fucking hard. I’ve been back to day one more times than I care to count. But really, it’s ok. Take some deep breaths. Get yourself some juice and start slowly rehydrating. 72 days is something to be proud of! A champion marathon runner can’t do the whole distance as soon as they learn to walk. It takes practice. You crushed those last 72 days. I’m sure you will get through today too. One day at a time. Breathe. You are not alone!

Sending positive vibes your way. :)

1
rotateshape64 days•

Try being more kind to yourself.

1
PauseAndReflectOP103 days•

It feels hard to be kind to myself sometimes, I guess.

1
rotateshape64 days•

Yeah, I understand. We’re all human though, and you’ll be in a better position to be the person you want to be if you don’t spend as much energy beating yourself up for making a mistake. It’s hard to do but I’ve found that it’s one of the best things I can do for myself.

1
Hammer384177 days•

I saw my husband’s car at the liquor store. He got a 6 pack for his fire house guys and himself. Not keeping it at home. Now I’m triggered. I want to drink. I’m so jealous of him.

1