Source
r/relationship_advice•
avidly

When is it appropriate to say "I love you"?

I just ran into an unpleasant reality with someone I was seeing recently and wanted some other opinions. To me, "I love you" is something that should be reserved for someone you can be in a relationship with and have real feelings for. However, to others I have known personally you should just "say it when you feel it" and it carries no implications of commitment. The English language can be so ambiguous. What do you think?

Posted Nov 8, 2009, 8:32 AM UTC

922
Kijamon•

I am fully intent on not saying I love you until I am fully commited in a relationship and so far in love that it couldn't be anything else.

It really fucks me off when my friends are saying it after 2 weeks of seeing somebody

15
Iyanden•

I'm the same way with regards to your second statement. I actually have this inward sigh when people end a phone call with "love you"... To have something that means so much used so casually... Maybe it was just how I was raised.

2
surfwax95•

“Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” -Robert A. Heinlein

I've always felt this was the best definition of love. Say "I love you" when you realize that your significant other's well-being is your own.

8
yareisy•

I said 'I love you' to my girlfriend when we were still just friends. She was very close and very supportive to me, and I loved her as a friend so I told her. Maybe that opened the door to us falling in love love?

After doing the dating thing, and the marriage thing...I am a huge fan of doing the friends falling in love thing! Everything just falls into place so naturally.

6
Vinay92•

To use the phrase "I love you", you must have a clear understanding of what the word 'love' means, in your mind. If you're not clear on what it means, don't use it. (By the way, this goes for any word, not just 'love'. It's a simple principle of communication.)

5
HMSuperb•

What the hell is this supposed to mean? Love has a different meaning to everyone. When you're in love, only you are the one who can tell. Not someone else. If you're in love with someone, and you want to express it to them, go ahead. Just make sure they feel the same way or maybe things will get awkward.

2
[deleted]•

I subscribe to the belief that "when you feel it, say it." However, (big, fat however) you shouldn't say it if you don't know the person well enough. Perhaps it's a weak generalization, but you need to know the person more than 6 months before you can possibly say this. Whether that time is spent solely dating or as friends beforehand, 6 months should be a minimum....

...and also, taking the other person's background into account is huge-how many relationships have they had? How did they end? Did they "love" any of them?

4
avidlyOP•

Hmmm. Maybe that is what adds to my confusion. A person who takes relationships VERY seriously, and has stated bluntly so, has had only a few people they considered a real relationship that could possibly end in marriage, and "doesn't play games" says that 6 months (the amount of time we've been talking to each other) isn't enough for a relationship. And they love me. It doesn't add up in my mind. I am trying to understand, however.

1
[deleted]•

Then wait. Trust me, it'll be worth it. Maybe ask her for a ballpark figure on how long it takes to know somebody from her perspective. If you're not ready to wait that long, then maybe she's simply not right for you.

Good luck!

1
avidlyOP•

"He" just to clarify. I don't know if gender differences affect things... But thank you. That sounds like a plan.

1
[deleted]•

Ohhh...that makes a HUGE difference.

My SO was pretty much the same way, so I just made a pact with myself that I wouldn't say it first. I really think it's just one of those things that the guy has to do to not feel emasculated or pressured into saying "I love you, too," if he's not ready to say it.

Again, I am totally serious about it being worth it to wait. So many times before my partner told me he loved me, I just wanted to blurt it out, but I always would have wondered if he'd said "I love you, too," just to placate me...letting him say it first is important (to me) because no matter how independent and strong of a woman I might be, hearing him say it for the first time turned me to melted butter...

2
[deleted]•

A lot of people make it carry a lot of weight, others not so much. Depends on the person and the situation

3
avidlyOP•

True. It just seems to cause situations where people get hurt. In my situation, this person said I love you for months, wanted to see me grow old, and implied they wanted to move to be with me. I took it seriously, whereas for this person it was not indicative of a relationship or attachment. It's very confusing.

1
PublicStranger•

It depends on the context. If you tell your friends, "I love you, man," or something along those lines, they'll understand you mean platonically.

If you're involved with someone you love platonically but not romantically (maybe you just really like them, or are still in the process of falling in love), it can be confusing, though. It's probably best to describe how you love that person (e.g., "You're so much fun" or "I can always depend on you") rather than use the actual word "love", since it can mean so many things.

2
avidlyOP•

Exactly. This is what I meant by "the English language can be so ambiguous." It feels like there should be a word or phrase to say that you are falling in love, but aren't quite there yet. Or that you have a deep affection for someone, but don't know if it's not just an infatuation yet. Then another phrase or "I love you" can describe the deep, committed kind of love. I know that exists in German and some other languages. English seems like it has a lot of emotion fail in it.

2
Gbcue•

Never.

-2