On bad days

On bad days, existence is pure agony. Usually a bad day is caused by me doing something stupid, disappointing someone or something regrettable. Last night a girl I really like wanted to sleep with me and being drunk, I biked off and forgot about her. I have been beating myself up so much today. These opportunities to love someone are so rare for me because of my anxiety that I can't seem to forgive myself for fucking up. Being alone with my thoughts is so uncomfortable that it's nearly painful. I have to scroll through Facebook all day just to keep finding new articles that can distract me from my self loathing. It's ruining my life in multiple ways: I fuck up intimate situations, I am completely unable to be productive on a bad day like that, and every day like that makes suicide more tempting.

It feels like I'm going nowhere. I'm in an endless cycle of drinking and drugs that amounts to nothing but worse health and me disappointing everyone around me. I can't really do anything about it because any cause I take up, be it my college courses or a job or whatever, is so pointless to me that just putting effort into it depresses me even more.

I can't seem to make any progress with a therapist or anything and I'm currently on Lexapro. Are there people who got over this? Please convince me there is hope. I won't commit suicide or anything, because I can't hurt my mother like that. I feel like I'm hurting her anyway by not amounting to anything. I bought Xanax 2 mg with controlled release but it doesn't feel like it does anything. Should I use it regularly to let it build up? Thank everyone in this subreddit for allowing people to vent from time to time and providing some answers and hope.