I hate myself.

I'm not sure what to do anymore.

Some background information I guess: I'm 17, a college student and British.

As a kid I was quiet and never stood out. During my time at primary school I had one consistent friend who was also unpopular. Other kids bullied us, and made fun of me throughout all of school. I had a few other friends but they went to another school.

At secondary school I had a few friends and it was pretty much the same situation.

My mum never pays to much attention to me. The main reason being the fact that she is a single mother and has to work a lot. (I don't know anything about my dad) Additionally, whenever I did something wrong like loose something, or to something that annoyed her she would yell at me. But when she did something similar it's like it didn't happen. So because of this, I never developed a close relationship to her.

My family is a little complicated and I'm not close to them either. My grandad was an alcoholic, abused my grandmother (I think it was hidden from me), and is currently in a care home due to the alcohol messing up his short term memory. My grandmother argued a lot with my mum due to my mum forcing her to move away from her abusive husband. My grandmother also drank a lot of wine and hid some in my room. She attacked me once, (pulled my hair mostly and I didn't get injured) which let my mum to fall out with her for a period of time.

I don't see my other family often, to put it simply.

So let's get to my current mental state. I hate myself, have no friends that I talk to on a regular basis, and barely talk.

I avoid making friends and talking due to a fear of embarrassment. It started out as me being quiet, but as I grew up I began to fear what other people think so I try to become forgettable.

I bottle up my emotions because I hate how sensitive I was. I don't know how to express my emotions in a truthful way so I avoid doing so.

I have no motivation to do anything and just waste my time on the internet. I can't focus on anything for long even things I want to do.

I know I should get help, but I'm terrified. I know it will help me and I should build up the courage.

But getting help would mean opening up my emotions and that would be a mess. I'm just too scared.

Sorry for my terrible grammar.