I Had A Break Down While My Father and Older Sister Belittled Me (And a little more)

Here's A Little Backstory:

My mother was coming down the next day, as my parents are separated.

I have received no support during this time, and I have never spoken about it. In fact, the day our (My Older Sister and I) knew what was happening, she told me that I was on my own and offered me a fag (A cigarette - I'm Irish). We weren't told in a calm fashion, sat down with everything explained - we had "overheard" their screaming matches an put two and two together.

I don't talk about myself, like, at all. And this includes bragging or complaining. The most I do is complain about teachers or homework, and the most I "brag" is about something I am genuinely happy with myself about, like completing a piece of homework early or doing what I think is a good job.

I have rather severe anxiety and very little self-esteem. So, being told that I'm "useless" or "selfish" by the people I care so deeply about hurts. It hurts so f*cking much.

My dad calls me names, constantly. When something bad happens, he screams at me. It doesn't matter that he's complaining about other people, he is still screaming and finds a way to blame me. Saying sh*t like "Just take the f*cking blame for once in your useless life", and other worse sh*t to that effect.

I honestly can't tell if my sister is worse. I am overweight, not by much, as I have been working out more. Her favourite thing to do is insult me about this. "Fat b*tch", "You're so f*cking fat", "Useless", "Worthless", "Freak", "Asshole" et-f*cking-cetera.

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Okay, onto the story:

We were all cleaning up, all of us. I hoovered, emptied and filled up the dishwasher, I picked up scraps of paper and rubbish. I did what I was told to do. But, still, I had abuse screamed at me.

I was already having a pretty bad day, so this just ruined it completely.

I started crying, I admit it. I wasn't balling, but I was sobbing - all the while trying to calm myself down. but they wouldn't stop. They wouldn't fucking stop. It all just kept on coming. I asked my dad to listen, but all he did was victimize himself. I asked him to listen, but all he did was interrupt. I asked him to try and understand, but all he did was tell me to deal with it on my own. Oh, God. Just f*cking thinking about it is making me shake.

He made fun of me in front of one of my best friend in the world, who's practically my brother. He said I had a "hissy fit", while I was spilling my guts to him, My own father belittled me for having anxiety.

That was the first time I'd ever talked about how I felt. And all I got in return was f*cking hate.

I was begging them to leave me alone, so I could f*cking calm down. I got called spoiled, a brat, useless, selfish, self-centred.

I'm not suicidal, but I am so fucking tired.

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I've started to walk out of the room when my dad starts. I am not there for him to take his anger out on. I am not there for him to scream at.

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He used to hit me when I was younger, my Ma too. My Mom told everyone at work that my Dad hit me after I ran away from her, screaming at her to not hit me while my Auntie was there. I leapt across the room to get away from her. CPS wasn't called, and I'm kinda glad for that. My Dad is a nice person, but he is an utterly selfish and piece of shit (at times - though, in this case, "at times" means a lot of the time) person.

Whenever I said something that I knew that they weren't gonna like, I'd cover myself with my blankets 'cause they'd always slap skin. They both just ripped it off of me and slapped me anyway.

I love them both, and they've stopped doing it.

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My Mom lives in Cork City, two hours away. And I live with my Dad, little sister and older sister in West Cork.

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F*ck. My older sister gets away with murder. And when I, even jokingly, call my dad an "oaf", or something like that, I'd get screamed at for having "no respect" - even though I only ever call him that after he's called me a name, or is genuinely acting completely unreasonable.

My Older Sister gets away with it by simply saying that she was "just joking".

I get told to do everything, quite literally. And when I ask why my Older Sister couldn't do it, all I get is "why can't you do anything without mentioning her?", "Do something with your life for once", "top passing the buck"

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I'm done. Sorry for the rant. Any formatting was lost.

Thanks if you made it this far.

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- GP

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