I'm ashamed.

Not really sure what to flair this, I just need to vent. I've been struggling a lot financially, to the point where I had to borrow money from my roommate for rent and haven't been able to provide food or gas for my boyfriend (I drive his car) which has sent me into a downward spiral of depression and suicidal ideation, so we decided to donate plasma today so we could buy dinner tonight. There is a weight requirement of 110, so I stuffed my pockets, bra, and socks with stones and piled on layers of clothing and drank as much water as I could stand, but didn't even break 95. At the beginning of my ED, this would've made me feel good in some weird, twisted way but not now, now I'm just ashamed. I don't want to be this girl anymore, but I am not ready for recovery, either. I know my money situation will fix itself, as I do have a job, I just didn't budget properly with changing from a biweekly payroll to a weekly payroll, but wow struggling with body image and also being inadequate financially can reallllllly make you hate yourself.