I don’t even know where to start

I’m sorry this is so long, I just don’t have another community of people who would understand what I’m going through.

My (25f) relationship with my BP bf (26m) began around 2 years ago. He told me about 2 months into actually dating that he had BP2.

When he told me I thought I was prepared but I understand now that I wasn’t. I REALLY wasn’t. The only questions I asked were 1) are you on medication( yes) and 2) what is bipolar 2. That’s it.

During our entire relationship he’s been cycling but I didn’t know that. I guess I did but I really didn’t. I don’t know anything about this disorder. I didn’t realize how much of it effects our everyday life. I didn’t realize how much he doesn’t have a hold on it himself. How little he knows about himself. Honestly I’m really surprised that we’ve made it this far.

Nobody in my circle has ever dated or had any sort of relationship with someone that has a bipolar disorder. So when I would vent or ask for advice from my friends or family everyone had the same thoughts I did: confusion. Because dating someone with BP is extremely confusing especially if you don’t factor in BP ever.

But at the beginning of last month things kind of clicked for me. I think it’s because it was the first time he had ever mentioned that he felt like he was feeling different. He had never told me that he was feeling a change coming on before and when he told me my initial reaction was fear.

I asked him what that meant, him changing. I asked him what I could do to help, what he needed when this happened, if he’s still taking his medications. His reaction and answer was: I don’t know, I’m bipolar you’re just going to have to deal with it.

That’s how I knew that he didn’t even know what to do when it happened. I also knew because he said he felt like he was going hypomanic but then he spiraled into a depression.

That’s when he broke up with me...again. He’s broken up with me about 4 times throughout these past two years. I take him back each time because he does everything I ask and more to show that he does want to be in a relationship with me. I’ve just recently discovered that breaking up/leaving abruptly is normal behavior with those that have BP. It doesn’t make it right but it makes more sense now. Mind you I didn’t factor in his BP ever. Like when things got bad I never for some reason ever thought his disorder had anything to do with it, I just thought that he was a jerk.

We’re okay at the moment but I’m just exhausted. I moved far away from my previous life to live with him and his family after about a half a year of long distance. For clarification, we lived in the same town then he moved(the long distance part) then I moved too. It was easier if I moved and I was ready. That was 9 months ago.

But I don’t have friends here, I don’t have family here, I don’t have money because I quit my jobs and have just found a new one. I don’t have very much here because it feels like every time I start to try to begin my life here my bf starts up again with his cycling. And because I’ve once again never factored in his BP disorder it feels like it’s final...until he’s level again and it’s not.

My eyes have finally been opened though and it’s a blessing and a curse. Most things make sense now but there’s so much work to be done for our future to have any chance.

It’s very difficult to have your eyes open with this sort of thing because even though the light switch has turned on, I also see his pain. It’s hard to watch someone you love go through these things. I still haven’t tracked his moods for a long enough period yet but I have noted a lot of things. It’s painful to really witness what he’s going through.

As you may have gathered I love this man very much. I adore him actually. He’s not abusive (generally. By this I mean he can be verbally abusive when he’s cycling), he’s very loving and caring, he’s strong, he’s funny, he’s never cheated, he puts me above most things, he’s my best friend.

But I’m exhausted. He’s put a lot on his plate at the moment which means it takes him longer to get back to level. That just means that my life is on hold too. I have to walk on eggshells with him, I have to filter my emotions so that I don’t disturb his, I have to keep up the life thing, our life thing, by myself right now until who knows how long, I feel like I can’t talk about my emotions with him or what I’m going through because I just think about all the wrong ways it can be taken. Even when he asks and presses me to tell him what’s wrong. I’m scared to do that.

And all this is new to me. Not 2 years new. A few months new. Usually I didn’t nurture this part of him because I didn’t know I was supposed to in order for things to work better. Besides some google searches and this subreddit I don’t know where to turn for guidance.

He’s an incredible boyfriend but he has a bipolar disorder which is unfortunate. But I’m not leaving him because of it. I’m just trying to learn how to roll with it. How to be a good girlfriend for him.

That’s it, it’s a lot but that’s it for now.