Why do I have such good parents?

They care about me too much. I've already pretty much given up and I'm living on autopilot. No deep friends, no girlfriend, no one to love. But they mean the world to me, and I mean the world to them.

I just want to die, and they want me to live. That's our main problem. I try to stay afloat in school, but it's hard to really try when you have no ambitions. And I wish I could talk about this somehow, but then they'd feel even worse and I could be forced back to the hospital. So when she asks me about grades or whatever, I can just get so angry with her, because I just can't communicate anything and can't explain myself. Just like the wizard of Oz, I'm nothing but a tiny little man behind the curtain.

Fuck life, man. There's just trillions and trillions of organisms from bacteria on up to us fighting, killing, torturing, and causing all sorts of misery for one extra second and one more breath before they inevitably die. And for us, it's really not all that different. One of the few things that make it worth it is love, friendship, compassion, etc. And at the same time, I feel starved from the love I don't have(friendly, romantic), and take for granted, even feel cursed by the love I do have, from my family. So I just watch it all from the sidelines in shame, seeing everyone live their normal, even amazing lives, and yet I feel compelled to keep watching, because the alternative is either impossible or would be too destructive for the people around me to deal with.

Hell, even if I was living the good life, with love, friendship, someone to hold me and comfort me when I was on the verge of breaking down, I would still probably feel like I was just wasting my time and forestalling death. And I'd be more trapped than before. I almost wish I had no one, just so that I could bow out without anyone noticing. But I do. And that's what makes it all so difficult.