If I can't get get this RGB Fusion bullshit working, I want a refund.

(Note, Pardon my French)
3 weeks ago, I bought the RTX 2080 Aorus (with the air cooler, not liquid) and its been a pain in the ass day after day. I've opened a ticket and played phone tag with every branch of customer service available telling me to uninstall everything aside from Windows itself to avail. I've installed every different combo of RGB Fusion, Aorus Engine, App Center, Drivers from both Nvidia AND Gigabyte, used every upgrade tool on the website, and to No. Fucking. Effect. I just want to know what works.

The symptoms are as follows:
If installed when launching Aorus engine on a clean install, it detects nothing and gives me a list of options to change, but no device on the window.
If the uninstalled and reinstalled using a separate download, it displays my Corsair RAM, doesn't work when using the listed RGB functions. and has no other devices listed.

Someone please help me figure this out.