Struggling to find meaning out of life in the present and future at 26 years old

I live in a communal-style shared home in a hip part of a major city. Most of my housemates are, expectedly, the cosmopolitan, bohemian types with a lot of ambition. Every day I listen to their conversations about flying to this city, or that city, going on an ayahuasca retreat in South America, taking art classes in Mexico, selling photography to an art gallery, going on a hike through the California wilderness, etc. while making connections with a plethora of interesting, successful people. I’m not supposing these folks necessarily have perfect lives or lack their own problems, but it’s amazing to me how their motivation and zest for life is miles ahead of what I’ve ever experienced. The envy I feel is insurmountable, to put it that way.

So this is where my story comes in. I waste away inside of my little room playing video games, but that’s not enough for me to cope with the crippling existential dread I feel in the bottom of my soul every day, so I’m also chemically dependent on kratom, weed, and alcohol to help me pass time. I have PTSD from being abused by my father as a child and so I’m pretty hyper vigilant, impulsive, and angry, particularly when sober. My drug use has left me demotivated and feeling like an empty shell that can hardly socialize or do anything meaningful or productive.

I can hold down a job occasionally, sure. Most recently, I was a valet manager over the summer at this posh hotel near me. I made a good chunk of money and worked my ass off, but I had no life and was working close to 6 days a week at times. Then all of a sudden I was told that I wasn’t good enough to work in a management position, so I got demoted to a valet runner and the money slowly stopped coming in. Any fucking schmuck can do this, that’s why every new hire is some thug or flaky teenager with no previous experience. This undignified, lowly peasant job I had barely paid my bills. And I still work the overnight shift once or twice a week just so I can afford to break even. I desperately want to advance my career and eventually work in network engineering, currently trying to study for a CCNA certificate so I can hopefully bypass going back to college (as it’s entirely possible), but it’s so hard to teach myself and focus when I’m this depressed and isolated.

Just wanted to share my story, because I like to read other people’s life experiences as I’m sure many here do.