I need help

Hello Reddit Community,

I would like to share to you my story and hopefully get some help as to what I could do with my life. Firstly I would like to clear up something. While I am depressed, my life is not particularly bad when I logically analyse it without considering any feelings to it.

I am generally open guy shy with girls of course but i guess they consider me cute enough so I have had some experience with relationships. Recently beat my longtime record of 1 week relationship to 2 weeks! Hurray!

I consider myself intelligent enough to have moved to a more advanced country than my birth one but I still have a lot to learn and there are many things about every kind of aspects of life that I have yet to discover. I am currently doing my last year of Bachelor degree in Software Engineering but I only chose it because I dont know what i wanna do so it was my default choice. My parents split up when I was little, but my mom is such a treasure to this world that I am so lucky to have her. I have a brother and a sister that I can trust and rely on although I do not talk to them that often. I am lucky enough to have a roof over my head, a decent computer i can play games on and some good income despite me not being employed. I have awesome friends that i have met over 10 years ago that I still talk regularly to this day.

However, I am not happy. My sleeping regiment is all over the place, I eat once a day, barely drink water, I am always down, I can barely do my school assignments to graduate. I feel like everyday of my life if something bad can happen It will happen. When I moved away from my birth country almost 4 years ago to come here it was a nice change of pace but it kept me distracted for an year or 2 but my old depression has slowly creeped on me again. My good friends that I've known for over a decade are studying in another country and we've had very few physical meetings although we talk everyday online and play games whenever we can. But since I can't hang out with them I feel like I am have always been unlucky enough to never been around them and my life keeps going into a direction where I will never live around them so I could actually start having a more outgoing social life. Don't get me wrong though I am not antisocial. I could more or less hit it off with anybody in the world. I have friends here but not a decade old friends, friends that you could say hey remember that one time 7 years ago... the friends here are the kind of friends you'd have very few interactions after your paths separate again.

1 Month ago i went for 2 weeks vacation to their country and it was like I was a different person especially the first few days when I didn't think that soon I will have to come back here to my miserable life. I met a girl there and we clicked and we sort of lowkey dated for the 2 weeks i was there and of course we had to brake it off since i had to come back and both of us didn't like long distance. And once again life just finds a way to fuck me over.

The education i am currently doing is not making me happy either. I can't see myself doing a 9 to 5 job for more than 6 months. I could barely get through an internship that lasted for 6 months without feeling so fucking bored and annoyed by it...

And I can't change any of this by myself. I feel like I am in a prison of my own life not being able to be happy because I am not rich enough to just move. I am almost almost completed with my education. Everybody ive talked to about this just tells me to graduate since im almost done but I can barely handle myself right now and I can't imagine how I will be in about an year.

I've talked with everybody who is close to me about my depression and none of them are able to help me, not even my mother.

TLDR I don't like my education its making me miserable, the fact that my friends are all not close to me is making me miserable, my love life sucks and all the chances i've had to have some sort of relationship have been ruined by the means of distance or some other stupid crap. My life feels like an orgy that I've organized and I'm the only one being fucked in my own organized orgy. And the cycle seems to be unbrakeable since I don't even have the resources to make any big decisions in my life right now.

​

I am honestly just slowly and steadily thinking that suicide is probably my best option. The way I see myself no grown up person is like me. In 7 years when I'm 30 if I have the same stupid outlook of life and i am still working in this miserable field of education i don't see myself even being slightly happier than I am now. I really need help to see what the hell is wrong with my life how can I change it what can I do?

​

PS: I posted this topic under a new account because its easier to share under a mask