I(30sF) do not want to travel 8 hours with my husband (30s M) to spend time with my In-Laws because I’m a jealous b****

I would like to start by saying I’m not proud that I feel jealousy toward my Brothers in law (BILs) and their families, but it’s still painful to plan to do an 8 hour long drive from out of town to spend some awkward times at my in-laws’ for the holidays. At the Christmas celebration, there will be my parents in law, and two brothers in law with their wives and kids. Everyone except my husband and I, is local. My husband is the youngest. He is the second of my MIL’s 2 sons and one of my two BILs is my husband’s step brother (30s M).

Some Back Story: We’ve been married for a few years. My husband had some issues growing up with his own brother (30s M) being kind of a bully, and his mom (50s F) kind of favoring his brother more, which (in my opinion) resulted in a lot of his depression, anxiety and terrible communication issues. Obviously it’s not like I’m perfect either, nor is my family, but his family’s dynamics make me alternately, angry and sad. We used to live close to all the in laws until a few years ago when we moved away. Let me give you an example I remember: His mother has proudly proclaimed to me numerous times that she only had a second son (my husband) because she didn’t want her oldest to be an only child. This was when we were dating, and she barely knew me. I once joked about this with my husband and he got very upset that I mentioned it and tried to laugh about it. Usually he is not sensitive at all so this came as a surprise to me. I’ve stopped bringing this up since. It doesn’t help that my husband is still struggling to build a good career whereas his older brother is really successful, has a happy marriage and a kid. Meanwhile we’ve struggled in our marriage (mostly our own fault), struggled building a stable life and don’t have any kids. We moved to another city and state and sure enough my husband has been doing much better. This, combined with a change in my MIL’s and his brother’s behavior where they don’t outright try to embarrass him, has resulted in some much needed stable times for him ( he was very depressed for a long time)

Anyway, coming to the issue at hand, I really do not enjoy these people’s company. At every family dinner they gossip about their own friends and family who are not present at the table. I know for a fact that my husband and I have been gossiped about too. Thankfully I have avoided these dinners for the last two-three years but my husband has attended most of them alone (we had a rocky marriage at the time so this was acceptable). Now that our marriage and lives are stabler, I can’t avoid them anymore as he is insisting I go to his family dinners because he has gone to mine ( which he doesn’t enjoy either, but that’s a story for another time)

TL;DR: I’m jealous that my husband's own older brother is successful, happy, and has a kid, I can’t seem to get over the fact that his family gossips about us, and I have nothing in common with the two wives (both 30s F), who seem to get along great with each other btw, and (to a much lesser degree) that his step brother-in-law has a happy family with kids also. It’s like a cocktail of everything I don’t want to go near, because I feel a strange envy, but somehow I have to endure drinking this cocktail for at least a whole weekend, to 'celebrate' Christmas. I know I’m the proverbial In-Law hating wife, but I promise I never wished I would feel this way towards my in-laws when I started dating my husband. Im here to seek advice, (if you have any to offer) on what’s a good way for me to survive the awkward and uncomfortable times that lie ahead this holiday season, or just to share with you how I feel....