Just want to rant about my life.

I'm the youngest of six brothers. My parents got divorced after i was born, and from the very beggining i knew they hated me. My father went away and lend us money ocassionally, and every time he dropped by to see us, he couldn't bring himself to talk to us, or share anything with us. He'll just drop my brothers and i on his house and get to sleep, then wake up 6 hours later and get us home again. After a few years he got tired and stoped showing up. All this time he never stopped arguing with my mother, all the while my brothers and i got held judges of their stupid arguments. Oh yeah, we had to choose sides, either we were with the crazy unemployed bitch who squandered all the money he gave us, or with the tyrannical asshole who was not able to feed thier kids. Don't worry, luckily we had our mother, who never got a decent job in 20 years, who couldn't bring herself up the bed to cook a meal, who abused pills and made us all work since teenagers to help with the house. She ocasionally got mixed up in a church. I remember she took me, a six years old boy, to several sessions where i had to witness several exorcisms. Is that normal to you? I was frightened beyond imagination. But in her mind those things were normal for a kid. The most common memory of my childhood is my mother being sick, in bed, and all six of us surrounding her and trying to figure out what the fuck were we going to eat that night. And my father far, far away God only knows where. Forget about sports, or studying, or having friends, or doing anything remotely normal.

Now, i feel like i have to put this things on paper and read it out loud, because i've never, ever talked about this with anyone except my brothers. I'm a grown man now, and i'm proud of having walked away from my family, but i realize that i have so many problems in my life, so many obstacles that are related to this experiences. Sometimes the sole memory of that times paralizes me.

But the worst thing by far is the feeling of rejectness that i felt my whole life. I can't remember a single hug, a single time my parents looked at me with love, with proud or with anything remotely like it. I'm afraid of becoming one of them. To have kids and repeat the same hell. To never be able to overcome this madness.

Why would anyone have kids and make them go through this? How can you make a person and not love him?

Sorry for the rant, but it sure helped me to write this things and know that someone will read it. Thanks