Most scarring relationship I’ve ever been in

BACKSTORY I was 15. We had dated for 5 months. Before meeting him I smoked weed on occasion but didn’t really do much else. While we were dating I was in a very fragile state of being because I had just been raped by my cousins best friend. He talked me into doing hard pills and doing other hard drugs.

While we were dating he constantly gave me shit about my previous sex life. I had had sex with two people and been brutally raped by another. He “didn’t believe me” when I confessed that I had been raped and often made jokes about it nonchalantly in front of people so I couldn’t really defend myself. He made me feel like shit for being in previous relationships and constantly accused me of cheating when I was too scarred to even be with someone.

About four months into our relationship I was doing bad. He was emotionally and verbally abusing me. Constantly belittling and making me isolate myself from my friends. He offered me Xanax because I was having anxiety attacks and like a dumbass I took it. Turns out it was laced with Fentanyl. Long story short I almost overdosed...

I tried cutting him off after that...it lasted about four days. It was about 1am and he FaceTimed me after he had cut himself and was bleeding. He told me that it was because of me and that he loved me and i would never feel love like his and shit like that. I tried telling him that I wasn’t going to be with him anymore but he literally cut himself on FaceTime and told me that he’d do it until he died and that he’d leave a note saying it was because of me.

I was so scared and worried because I didn’t want someone to die and I didn’t want to be blamed for it when I was just trying to repair myself. So like an idiot I told him that I loved him and that I’d take him back.

About a month later he was arrested for vandalism and tried using me as an alibi for the night it happened. I went into the police station with my mom and broke down. I told the cops everything and said he needed help and that he was guilty and that he needed rehabilitation of some sort.

I don’t know if he ever got sent away to a treatment facility but he got charged because of me. I don’t feel guilty. He went to school for the first part of this year but when the trial happened he had to go live with his dad hours away and I haven’t seen him for months and I’m glad.

I’m just glad I got out of the relationship but I’m terrified of getting into another relationship with this ACTUALLY genuine and amazing human because I’m still kinda traumatized by him...