To My Old Friend

It’s been a couple of years since you passed. We weren’t talking when it happened. We had a few fights during our friendship that no one knows the real reasons behind, just what twisted tale you told them, but it doesn’t matter and never did. It took me a few days to process your passing. I went to your viewing and had to run into the bathroom multiple times because I don’t like to cry in front of people. We stopped talking because I got tired of lies. You got so into the drug scene, our lives were taking different paths and we grew apart. I found some pictures of us last night. We were teenagers and it made me wonder if being a true friend before your passing would’ve made any difference. You were stubborn, so probably not. Most people only knew the troublesome, drama side of you, but I got to see the genuine person behind the mask for many years. I have a lot of memories of us as stupid, young kids that I will never forget. I feel sad that your girls are growing up without their mom. It makes me sad to know how bad it got and I didn’t care to know because everyone who truly cared for you except like two people had pretty much given up on you at that point, including me. You struggled with inner demons and wish you would’ve had therapy or something to help. People would tell me all of the time that you weren’t my real friend and that you’d have a lot to say when I wasn’t around but I didn’t care. I didn’t care about the lies you told people about our fallouts either. I just was waiting for the girl who I knew to resurface but that never happened. Instead, the next time I would see you would be in a casket wearing clothes that you’d have never worn, looking nothing like the girl I knew, and it broke my heart. I felt like I could never publicly say these things both because I was absent for a couple years and we weren’t speaking, the reason people thought we had a fallout, and because I don’t like to show my weaknesses but I just needed to get it out after seeing those pictures. Your girls are beautiful and are being well cared for from what I can tell. I don’t talk to any of your family anymore but once in a blue moon have talked virtually with your mom. Your dad still has a void, well they both do, but your dad shows it more. He took interest in one of our old friends because I think subconsciously it made him feel closer to you. I’m pretty sure everyone has a lot of regrets. The sad thing about it is that I heard you were actively cleaning your life up right before earth lost you and that’s the craziest part of it all. I don’t think anyone knows about the crazy things we’ve done together or things we experienced together just the two of us, so they wouldn’t really understand my sadness about someone that was basically a stranger before leaving everyone. I don’t even think I understand it. Idk if there’s a heaven or hell but if you’re up there, save me a spot. I have some undergarments to shove in your shorts and Sir Mix a Lot to play.