Voice in my head? Inner voice? My thoughts?

I’ve kind of been struggling with my thoughts recently (this year basically) where I keep hearing my inner voice tell myself that I should just stop living. I feel like at the beginning of the year I didn’t really take them serious but at this point I’m having this happen just about every day and it’s just sounding more and more convincing.

I just kind of what to get to the bottom why I’m feeling this way or if I have an illness of some sort and maybe get some advice on some things to do to help me.

I work in IT which from what I’ve been told is a fairly thankless job where people don’t get the credit they deserve. I don’t feel like this though. I feel like I’m well respected and generally like the people I work with. Like my boss, benefits, the challenge of making people’s day seamless with technology.

When I was younger (around the age of 7 or 8) I have this distinct memory of wanting not to live and telling my mother that “I wish I was never born”. I don’t know why but it dawned on me today that I have an emotional connection on how I was feeling that day (I was so young but for some reason I can just feel the same emotion). I didn’t even remember this memory up until the today which I find alarming. I don’t even remember what caused me to feel like that in this day back when but I can remember the emotion.

I had a serious relationship when I was a teenager (age 15 to 20, I’m 28 years old currently) where I was left feeling like I dropped the ball and missed a great future with this person. This weighs on me a lot since I feel like it was mainly my fault on why things didn’t work out. I feel like I changed into a different person that isn’t like able today. That being said I have a difficulty going out and meeting new people because I don’t feel like they will embrace who I think I am.

I feel like my personality has not changed but I can say I’ve physically changed (I don’t know if it’s for the best or worst but gained 50+ lbs). I wouldn’t say I’m unhealthy but I can say I don’t eat the best on a regular basis. I was a wrestler when I was a teenager which meant I cut weight (160->125) and was in fairly good shape. Prior to wrestling, when is was really young, I was pudgey and overweight so I feel like that is a way for me to justify my weight today. Is this wrong to feel that way?

Also, when I was younger I wasn’t the coolest kid around but was associated with the “jock/popular” kids because of the sports I played. They weren’t the people I could really relate with and eventually pushed the people I could relate with away from me with the way I treated them. This definitely cuts deep because I constantly have memories on stupid things I did or said at that time which I wish I could take back or apologize for. I feel like I was a giant piece of shit when I was younger because the shitty picture I painted on who my friends would be when real life began. I know I said I didn’t change personality wise but I can say that I treat people with much more of a respect today than I did when I was younger. I’m not competitive like I was, just trying to be myself and embrace who I am.

I don’t know, I feel like I have a mix of self esteem issues and maybe this is having an affect in my psyche and causing my inner voice to tell me these things. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve cornered my thoughts into a dilemma or just because I can’t get over certain things (or maybe it’s both).