Around 10 or so years clean from cutting, constantly thinking of it and suicide lately

Idk whats wrong with me. I keep wanting to lock myself in the bathroom and just cut my arms up. I keep thinking about how I could kill myself, and how people would react. Today was especially bad, I pretty much wasted the whole day away by being miserable and not getting out of bed. I feel like theres a weight on my body not letting me do anything, I even skipped work and classwork. I'm just sitting alone right now drinking and hoping I can just get drunk enough that I will feel something other than depressed. I feel like such a disappointment. I keep thinking only in negative thoughts no matter how hard I try not to.