AITA (25F) for Wanting To Leave a Store Where My Partner Embarrassed Me Publically?

NTA. I envy your problems.

NTA.

Whilst to not middle class people some of the things you said make you sound very pretentious, the way I see it, in non rich people terms:

You and you're partner agreed to go to a store, not to buy but to "trial" something (I'm sure everyone has done this at some point, hey let's go in hotel Chocolat for their free samples, but of course I'm not going to spend £10 on a little bar of chocolate). He then says in the middle of the store that he has no intention of spending money and accuses you of tricking him (I'm now talking to the hotel Chocolat staff about how yes this 80% range they are trialling does tastes different and I am going to look at their gift sets which I might want for my mum... Not. But my partner tells the assistant that we only came in for the samples and how dare I trick him??). You then say you are embarrassed and want to leave - totally fair enough. Instead he acts like a child.

Fact is, you agreed on a strategy and he didn't trust you enough to follow through on it. Of course you are going to act like you genuinely want to buy the tux to the vendor!! You can't walk in and say hey can you measure him up but we definitely won't buy anything.

I would have been embarrassed by that too. And him storming out when you say your embarrassed just shows a complete disregard for your feelings.

I had no idea that you can get mistaken for staff based on what type of tux you are in but that's a whole different kettle of fish and besides the point. I really don't get where he's coming from thinking he can go to a store for a fitting and not pretend to be looking to buy.

NTA

He sounds like he has issues with money, like he is still mentally living in poverty. I grew up poor too, so I get where he's coming from. A part of his brain is telling him that that $200 is next month's rent so spending it is slitting his own throat. It's hard to break out of that mindset. The fact that your discretionary spending limit is a scant $10 and he can't even handle that says it all.

ESH

He shouldn't air dirty laundry in public like that and it's understandable you'd be embarrassed by his making everyone uncomfortable. Calling an Uber to leave is being equally ridiculous though. You could have waited outside or walked outside or gone to another store while he finished up but instead you suggested to spend more money on a needless Uber ride.

In addition, you're an asshole for choosing a lavish vacation that requires a pricey tux to go on with your bf. Obviously your bf is gonna be surrounded by other people who spend exorbitant amounts of money materialisticly which he will not enjoy.

There are two viable compromises you can reach and you can even do both.

• go by yourself or with someone else on a vacation like this.
• plan a vacation your bf will more likely enjoy e.g. a camping trip at a national park.

Edit: NTA with additional info. Sounds like this guy wants to have his cake and eat it too.

NTA, but if you go with him on the trip and he doesn’t have a tux then you are.

P.S. If you worked in a shop once why didn’t you just measure him and buy the tux yourself?

P.S.S. A tux is a waste of money (and I’m not a cheap guy). I’d much rather have a very nice black suit that I could wear other places.

P.S.S.S. You knew he was cheap when you married him so you’re going to just have to learn to live with it.

NTA. It's crazy to me that you make six figures and he can't handle you spending a mere $10. He needs therapy.

YTA. Not to your partner. If you guys are bringing a few 100k he can buy an expensive tux. I’m not one to condone opulence but I do envy you’re ability to drop money like that and not be impacted by if. I get his mentality, I hate spending money but he’s being ridiculous in this situation and should get a tux that appropriate for the event.

The reason, though, that YTA is that you’re intentionally taking up this salesman’s time who is trying to make a living knowing that he’s gonna get stiffed in the end and being dishonest about it. You could have just gone in and been honest, you just need measurements. Somebody might have had a few minutes and been happy to help you but instead you’re going in with false pretenses. Or better yet, you got the money, just go in and see if they do the measurements for 15-20 bucks. Basically, respect other people’s time and don’t try to manipulate people with their job.

You are not an asshole. The blowing up in public thing is never good. It seems like your partner has some issues with spending cash on himself. Sometimes in life you gotta splurge, and I guess his upbringing makes this hard to settle into, nonetheless, publicly berating someone is not cool.

NTA. I think you should edit the post to reflect that he chose the vacation spot and you need specific clothes for it.

ESH.

This is likely a story an outsider would never understand without years of seething class rage built up.

Ah that’s where we differ. I haaaaaaaated sales. As long as you tip that’s cool. I rescind my YTA for a NTA. I did insurance for a bit. I don’t like trying to convince someone to buy something they don’t want. I don’t like the way it feels when someone does that to me. The whole tipping thing is something I’m passionate about though. Waiting tables and bartending is what I did through college. If you come in, take up one of my tables and then don’t tip I’m going to be really irritated. That’s why I was so irritated about the prospect of taking up this salesman’s time for nothing.

You’re both the asshole. He shouldn’t have spoken to you like that, but you shouldn’t have pressured him either.

He could buy a tux at a place like men’s warehouse and people most likely wouldn’t care as long as it fit appropriately.

Seems like he had a hang up about an expensive place and he could have gotten a cheaper option but you weren’t satisfied with that.

^^^^AUTOMOD This is a copy of the above post. It is a record of the post as originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited.

Details: Partner and I make six figures, have no debt, and no kids

Anyway... My partner grew up extraordinarily impoverished and he seems to view unnecessary spending and as a moral failing. I grew up upper middle class, and just don’t get it. However, partner and I (usually) have great communication so we’ve found a solution: our finances are combined, but I put aside extra money for things that are pleasurable. Since they come from “my money” the theory is that he will be able to freely enjoy these things that (I believe) are worth the money. The account is literally called ‘The Fun Account’. We also agreed that he will not lecture or complain about my purchases under $10 (he consistently fails at this...)

Partner and I have been planning a vacation for months. He has been crazy busy and I love vacations, so I have done all the planning, the only thing required of him is that he procure a tux and shoes to go with it. We leave in a week and he still has not done so. Great. At his request, I send him a list of potential renters. He doesn’t like any of them (lots of excuses, but in the end it comes down to price) and seeks out the cheapest possible tux instead. I let him know that the quality level is not appropriate, and the sales person is trying to sell him a tux that is never going to fit properly (I sold high-end suits and tuxes all through college.)

He agrees to go somewhere else to try on others and to have himself measured by a quality salesperson. The main goal is measurements, so he can get the right tux SOMEWHERE. We leave and go to the other shop. Within moments of engaging the salesperson, my partner starts asking me abnormally aggressive questions, he’s basically scolding me and saying I’ve tricked him into the store, when he only wanted to be measured! I am trying to keep the (commission based) salesperson’s head in the game, so I say that we’re here to try things on, get measured, and see if he likes these better. At this point he seems to lose it and starts talking to me in a manner that is totally out of character. He starts accusing me of tricking him and of luring him here on false pretenses. These tuxes are too expensive. He wants to go to men’s warehouse and have me buy a $200 tux instead (these are called ‘service tuxes’ and are meant for boys at proms and high-end bartenders. If you wear one where we’re headed, you’ll be mistaken for staff.)

Partner is refusing to let the salesperson handle things and measures his own waist (why?!) but eventually he decides that he’s going to try on tuxes here. Great. I have never been shamed like that in public before, so I am very upset. Public arguments are tasteless and grossly unfair to the people around you. It’s a small shop, and the sales girls are desperately trying to avoid making eye contact with me. I. Am. MORTIFIED. When the salesman leaves, I let my partner know that the plan never changed, we’re here to do exactly what we discussed and I don’t understand why he yelled at me! I tell him that I’m super embarrassed and I would like to call myself an Uber and leave.

This sets him off. Instead of calling me an Uber, getting his tux settled, and meeting me back at home, he gathers his things and storms out. He insists that he doesn’t want to talk about it, so we’ve been living in silence for 12 hours. He still doesn’t have a tux. We leave on Sunday. Wtf happened? Am I the asshole?

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[deleted]

Nta

No there was no hourly base. That was just another job that was offered to me.

YTA for not understanding that he was MORTIFIED on entry. Big steps but you took the escalator.

how'd the trip go?

ESH

My wife and I are in a similar state except I make 6 figures and she makes less than 2 times as much. I grew up poor and she grew up middle class. When we first started dating, going to fancy things was difficult as fuck for me as it felt out of place. Its even worse thinking I would be dropping $200 on a tux that I will wear a handful of times and you call that an inexpensive tux.

He definitely needs to be more understanding and shouldn't have gotten in that argument at the store in public with you but rather just left and discussed it with you.

But you need to be more understanding. He doesn't know why its fun to go to fancy things where he needs to dress super well; he has never been. The best thing you can do at this point imo, is to talk to him and tell him that if he does this for you, and he hates it, you won't ask him to do it again in the future.