I ruined Thanksgiving

I” “Ruined” thanksgiving.

TLDR got sick of being a second class citizen in my wife’s family. Called out the dictator. Did not go well.  Found out where the family views me and how , even worse what the wife thinks.

This is going to be a long one so .. buckle up for the most mediocre writing you’ve ever seen from a delinquent toddler. Because this is the closest thing I’ll get to therapy. And I’ll probably provide too much backstory.  I would also like to note that I recognize there are two sides to every story. So I’m sure there is much I’m missing.

So I come from a somewhat broken family. Dads a military man. Moms a cop. I a military man myself. They divorced when I was 3. And they fought through me and my sister for 13 years. They tried to be good, and now that I’m an adult and have called them on their shit equally, we have better relationships. But we’re all type A personalities so still argue. And have no reservations on telling eachother where the bear shits in the f*king woods. That being said we’ve all gotten better with time.

My wife’s family on the other hand. Is extremely passive. They don’t talk about their problems. They aren’t bad at communicating. They literally don’t know it’s a thing. My wife had a lot of mental issues as a kid and relationship issues when we were in highschool. So she ended up talking to a therapist through most of her mid to late teens and even to this day still talks to one regularly. So she has had significant coaching on how to communicate and she and I communicate well but I still have room to grow.

Her sister had a child right before my wife and I started toying with the idea of dating. And my SIL does not believe in discipline. She always negotiated with her ( now 5 year old ) about everything. Kid could be hitting the dogs with a stick and she wouldn’t raise her voice because “ Its abusive” even when she hit other kids she just tried to negotiate with her. Now I was raised firmly. But I don’t believe that’s how every kid should be raised. I think some kids respond to being talked to and some need to have the 7th pillar of hell raised in front of them for them to get the point. Her child.. is arguably at least a distant relative of Satan… best case a hell admissions liaison. 

Every time we left a family gathering I would just have to vent to my wife about how vehemently opposed I was to her lack of parenting. SIL lets her kid run naked in the street all the time. Doesn’t pay attention to where they are or what they’re doing. ( I caught her one time trying to literally hammer nails into the sidewalls of the truck tires. ). My wife agreed that sil is more or less a failure of a parent. SIL doesn’t know how to stand up to her own 5 yo daughter. And even worse the PIL’s Cower do the desires of SIL. Her kids ( now has a 3 year old as well ) run whatever house they’re in. there is no discipline or structure. The few times the PIL’s have tried to tell kids “NO” even remotely firmly SIL FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT on anyone. I have always kept my mouth shut around her kids about it because the family obviously sent out the vibe. Of “ we don’t talk about it “ and I subscribed to the idea that. I’m not here to ruin the dynamic. Or upset my wife or anyone. Quite frankly it doesn’t affect me yet so I’m not going to intervene unless it does. SIL always makes the PIL’s watch her kids all the time because she of her own admission she just can’t do it sometimes. Which I found abusive of that relationship. And.. perhaps jealously now that we have a kid. Her parent’s have little desire to help us with our child or even really be around because they have exhausted all resources and efforts to help her. But I’ve always let my wife know I’m not ok with it. And where I stand because Although I was not really for having kids. my wife did want them and I wanted to talk about what we do and do not agree with as being a parent. Before we have one to make sure we’re at least in the same book, even if we’re on different pages. We still have a clear understanding of what the other will do.  I told my wife that when I had a child. If her kids ever hurt them or acted the way they do with others I would absolutely not put up with it. I think my wife thought I was just pretending to be a military tough guy. Which is part of the problem.

 ( backstory complete )

SO thanksgiving this year we’re up at her parents. SIL is cooking like mad (she’s a great cook ). Everyone is doing stuff. I’m lying in living room with my now 8 month old.  And SIL’s 3 year old is playing with him. And he’s being super nice to him. So I’m chill. But he starts bringing in these plastic pumpkins in .. and its to the point that I’m getting annoyed at him just destroying the nice decorations my MIL put out.. and he keeps piling them around my son. He brings the last one over and stands over him.. holding the thing over his head and is standing on couch over him  ( It probably weights like 1.5 lbs max ) I say “ Hey buddy why don’t we put that down we have enough in here “ and like kids do.. he says “ok” and tries to underhand throw it away. As he starts to do this I just see the inevitable injury inbound . I raise my voice “ NAME , STOP NOW “) but it’s too late. The decorative pumpkin lands directly on my kids head. Cracks open over my kids head. And my kid goes into a fit. Now.. here is the deal… I’m the only person that saw it.. But SIL runs over immediately grabbing her kid into her arms who is now crying his brains out because I yelled and she keeps saying its an accident its an accident! Which.. I agree with. But.. How would she know.. all she saw was the broken item on the ground. I think they were afraid I was going to spank her kid.. but.. I just hold mine and coddle him and make sure he’s ok. Everything’s fine .. turkey day still going. I let it go. Kids are kids. Mistakes happen NBD.  But.. right before we serve dinner. He’s carrying over an even bigger pumpkin now to my kid again holding it chest high and totally not in control of his lift. So I just step in between them and go .. “ Hey bud, we’ve already had an incident with one of those today how about we put that down” And before I can finish my breath SIL flies off the fucking handle IT WAS AN ACCIDENT OP!  “ yes I Know SIL, I’m just trying to prevent another one**.” OH SO YOU’RE GOING TO TELL HIM WHAT HE CAN AND CAN’T PLAY WITH? WHY DON’T YOU BE A GOOD PARENT AND JUST STAND THERE WITH YOU CHILD AND MAKE SURE NOTHING HAPPENS?**” The comment of “ why don’t you be a good parent” got me. Because 5 years of not saying a word about how she decides to “parent” her kid. Then that comment is when she decided to take the boxing gloves off in my mind. I just look at her and said.. Are you fucking kidding me? Why don’t I pull out my notebook of all the times you failed at not only being a parent but a person? She starts walking away.DUDE FUCK YOU OP. She starts storming out of the house and I shout “ Are you going to abandon your kids here for all of us to take care of? LIKE A GOOD PARENT?”

Apparently that was the nuclear bomb. And everyone is like “ DUDE OP WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SAY THAT” and I was just.. explaining that I’m tired of all us having to be a victim of an emotional toddler, and her dictatorship of this family. To the point that I can’t even suggest her kid not do something potentially harmful to another kid. And I get told to just shut up and eat dinner. Which .. its my in laws house. I subscribe to the idea of their house their rules. And Do so. No one talks at dinner. And SIL sat in her car for 2 hours crying. So I didn’t even see her the rest of the night. I pack the wife and kid up. We go home..

Wife and I talk about it the next day.. And I just revert back to.. I told you once I had a kid I wasn’t going to be passive with her or her kids anymore. My wife points out that its not what I said its how I said it.. Which is fair.. they’re a sensitive family and people. In my family we’ve asked for toilet paper more aggressively than that. So I agree. But I stand by the only reason I did it was to prevent injury and my wife says “ You cant tell other people how to raise their kid” , I respond with obviously I agree with that. Up until the point that the actions of that child result in physical harm to my child. But no one cared when I yelled at SIL’s son when he was about to get trampled by a cow and I ran & jumped a fence to save him, no one cared when I yelled and grabbed him when no one was paying attention as he ran into a ski lift.. Wife says I just want to argue and its bullshit. And I shouldn’t piss her sister off.. So I point out that the only thing I noticed from everyone in her family. Is that the most Important thing is to never make SIL angry.. and I ask.. well wait a minute. Doesn’t anyone care about me or how I feel about things in this family? Or is it because I married into the family I’m a second class citizen. Wife agrees that she can see how I feel that way but her family isn’t going to change. And that She doesn’t’ want me over there challenging this power struggle that SIL gets to kind of be the dictator of the family. And everyone just deals with it.. I interject with .. no I’m not ok with you saying I can’t raise other peoples kids but she gets to dictate my actions and how I want other kids to interact with mine. Wife says I need to understand kids are going to get hurt.. its part of being kids.. again. I say babe I understand that but our son can’t even put his hands out right now to stop things from hitting him. He can barely stand against things .. let alone assess a threat coming to him.. You’re literally picking not pissing off your sister over physically defending your child from harm. I have a problem with that. She says that’s a straw man argument. And I finally just break down and say… Look. Your Sister isn’t going to change and neither am I. You need to make a decision right now. ( VERY POOR WORDING ON MY PART IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT ) if it comes down to it are you going to defend me and your child or your sister. And she  without skipping a beat heard ( choose me or your family ) and responded  I’ll take my family over you. ( OUCH ) I just say.. ok well. The next time her kid is swinging a baseball bat around in circles around our kid you’re going to have to just watch it happen I guess. She says she’s not going to argue hypotheticals and its stupid. So I drop it..

She goes over the next day and I’m at work and literally the exact thing happens. Kid is swinging a dowell rod in circles.. wife has to step In and stop it and her sister doesn’t say shit..  SIL and I still haven’t talked since thanksgiving. I’m still the asshole and have been told I don’t get to say anything So I don’t really see a point to going over when SIL is there if I’m not allowed to be my own person.

SIL is a fucking emotional tyrant and everyone just deals with it. Its bullshit.