May have failed a class for the first time, I've been anxious and having nightmares ever since I walked out of the final.

I did it to myself by not studying hard enough. I slacked off in the worst of ways, and now I hate past me for it.

"I only need to get 26% to 'pass' or 54% to get a decent grade! No problem! I'd have to try to score below a 26!"

The final was an absolute mess. Huge swaths of pages I had no idea what to even put. I tried to BS a few answers, but they were so contrived I am sure I got no points. I went through and counted up the point value of things I was confident on, half point values from things I was pretty sure on, and no points for things I was guessing on. And I think it was around 33. Considering I've certainly missed things I was confident on before, there's a very real chance that I failed this course.

My graduate program says in our student handbook that they dismiss students if they fail a course. I'm in massive debt to attend here. (Non-funded masters, don't @ me that it was a bad idea, it's a long story.) It's in a field I can't work in without the credential I'm earning here.

God I fucked up. Every day since the exam I've woken up with nightmares of finding out I failed. I check my grades every 2 minutes hoping it's posted, and I'm so scared of what will happen when it is. I just want them to be posted so I can know my fate, but I must continue to wait.

I'm flying out to my family's tomorrow morning and I don't know how I'll deal.