Bisexual Boyfriend wants to Explore

Hey guys. Straight f [26] here looking for advice. Bf m [25]

I'm going to try to cut to the chase and get to the main points.

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We have been together for 5 years this past October. I found out he was Bi about two years ago (by accident. I discovered his Bi-curious themed Tumblr). In the years we had been together he had been talking to guys behind my back on Grindr. He never told me because he was afraid to lose me. He said that if it ever came a point where he wanted to marry me, he would come out first before deciding to propose; but I found out before then.

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After I found out I contemplated if I should stay or leave him. A lot of "what ifs" ran through my head and I decided to stay. I wanted to be supportive. I love the guy and understand that if he ever wants to be with a man, I can't get mad because I can't satisfy that craving (for I'm not a man).

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Fast forward to the earlier this week, we had a discussion. He travels for work and I had not seen him in 2 weeks and was ready to fuck. He wasn't into it (at first), so afterwards I asked him if he was still attracted to me. (I know I've gained a lot of weight since we first got together and wanted to know if that was the issue).

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He said, that yes, my weight doesn't help him being more attractive to me than he could.

He also mentioned about how he has been thinking a lot lately about getting older, death and the fact that he hasn't been with a man. At first he said that his desires were mostly sexual and no string attached (not romantically interested in men) [2 years ago when I found out]. However, he has been complementing the idea of dating a man.

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One of the men that he talks to most lives in the state over. He has been near this guy several times [again, bf travels for work] but never met him because I didn't know about said guy at the time and he didn't want to see other people behind my back. I now know about this guy, what he looks like and some about him. He sounds like a good guy. I gave my bf permission to go see him in person next time he is nearby said guy. Come to find out, this guy is the guy my bf thinks about IF he were to date men, -lets called him Brian- Brian would be the guy he would want to date.

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My bf and I have discussed getting married and kids. But that seems further away than closer now. Bf doesn't want to marry because he wants to explore being with men. And bf said that he doesnt want to be committed via marriage if he decides he wants to be with men instead. Because then we would have to file for divorce.

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Now, I'm fully supportive of him. I told bf that when the time comes and he wants to explore his sexuality, I would be willing to open the relationship for him to explore. We don't do butt sex stuff much often, but I'm willing to do more for him. I eat his ass and would not hesitate to the idea of pegging. [ one of my own ultimate desires is to peg a man].

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My concerns are, if I do open the relationship, a part of me wants to talk to other men. Not because I want to, but for self protection. What if bf decides to leave me? I'll be more or less hung up to dry after 5 years and being willing to let him have his cake and eat it too- out of my love for him.

What if in the future we do have kids and he does eventually decide to be with men? I'll be a single mom... which is something I've been fighting to NOT be. I've been careful with who I share my body with and use protection. I'm interested in women, but that is just for a no strings attached. I am not romantically interested in women. Bf is okay with me talking to women, but not men. When I mentioned about seeing other guys when he decides to talk to men- he didn't really like that idea. But what am I suppose to do? Just wait things out to see I'll be left or not after 5 or 6 years in a deep relationship? Yes, I want my bf to be happy, but I also want to allow myself to be happy and my bf makes me happy.

Bf said that all of this is hypothetical and doesn't want me to get upset over something that isn't even happening. However, when I first found out he was Bi, what is happening now was one of my "what-if" fears. What if he decides he DOES want to date men romantically? That fear is slowly becoming a reality. I am mad all the while, wanting to support him while at the same time wanting to distance myself (as much as I don't really want to) but I feel I should for JUST in case.

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At the end of our discussion, bf said that he still wants to be with me. Marriage is still on his mind, but not as much due to other feelings. He doesn't want to us to get a house together for the same reasons.

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Am I just over thinking things or am I in the right to be on guard? I've been actively trying to control my anger issues (something I've always had way before we met) and getting control of my weight.

I don't believe myself being desperate. I really do love this guy (and losing weight WILL be better for me anyway). But am I bending over backwards too much?

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I feel like I'm in a tight place and I am just seeking advice. I want to be fully supportive but I have fears that hinder me and I don't like feeling uneasy.

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​ Tl;dr

Bf wants to explore with men. I support BUT I'm wondering if I'm giving too much and fear I'll be hanging myself (figuratively) for doing so.