I will never know if it was a suicide

I have too many feelings. I don't know what to do with that, so for now I'll put them here. I'm so sorry if this is not how it works, but I lost my best friend this week. I got the call Friday. We are not sure when she passed. 31 fucking years old.

I don't exactly know if there was a medication mismanagement or a combination that accidentally ended her life or if it was on purpose. Maybe police will say more, frankly I don't know. She had bipolar disorder, a drug problem and was frequenting a couple of dealers and wasn't honest about the drugs she was doing. The guy thinks it was a suicide. I got her into yoga, we had a couple of lessons and loved it. I was worried as well because she had her second abortion of the year and I had given up being pushy with rehab because she couldn't afford it. I thought it was going very well, that she could improve her mood and fidgeting etc.

She then went MIA for a week, I messaged everyone very worried and she appeared. Then I went out of town and messaged when I got back. She never got my message.

She was found Thursday. Parents think happened Monday night. I can't put in words how much I miss her. How I feel everything pointed to this, how guilty I am for not having messaged before. I told her repeatedly that I was worried and that I didn't want to go to her funeral. I said she needed psychotherapy, I offered to be there, I was there when she was feeling very stressed or just needed me. I said she needed rehab and she got angry because she couldn't pay it. She pushed us friends away and I didn't figure out how to get back in and I should have.

Addictions are a response to mental health issues. This girl had a terrible go and was getting meds but zero exploration on how these things had affected her self image and love. Rehab can't be exclusionary, she just didn't deserve this. To die alone and be there for X days. I'm so angry and sad and I don't know what to do about it.

I suppose I'm angry because it is easier to be angry than be devastated. I've not had a lot of time to process this. I don't know what to do with myself.

Thank you.