My children were stolen

Sorry if this turns into a book but I need this off my chest. There is no words for what I have suffered. I look up "Grieving mother" "childless mother" "child loss"... But my girls are not dead. They are alive...but I still have lost them, I still miss them.

My JN stepmother stole my daughters. It started 5 years ago. I was in an abusive relationship, and was still not out of the FOG. But I was coming out, and I knew I had to protect my daughter. I had postpartum depression...and was getting no help from anyone. I did everything to protect my daughter and eventually accepted I couldn't care for her...I couldn't give her what she needed. So I allowed my JNF and JNSM to care for her...I didn't exactly have any options and they promised me...they promised me I would see her whenever I wanted, get medical updates, etc. I would be a mother. I would be involved. Unfortunately I went back to my ex and was pregnant a second time- he raped me- before I finally left. My JNSM immediately jumped in. I was originally going to give my second daughter up for adoption as I was in no place to care for another child but the FAAAAAMMMILY had to stay together. I wanted a pagan name- she was Catholic and shut down every name that sounded too "different". The name also had to start with the same letter as OD, because all of HER kids did too...I wasn't allowed to name either of my children. I was so broken and spineless then. She routinely kicked me out- for reasons unrelated to this post- and I eventually was homeless before going to a halfway house. She has my daughters call her mom. Over time my spine got shinier, and the more I fought back the more she insisted "I need drugs" "I'm dangerous" "I'm mentally ill" "I'm upsetting the peace and energy of her home"....It was so frustrating. The back and forth, the head games, she would act like she cared and then turn around and stab me. And then it happened. Christmas of last year...I asked to see my daughters. The response? "You are mentally ill and refuse to seek treatment. I cannot let MY GIRLS be around that." I was devastated. All I wanted was to see my babies. July of this year I got rid of YET ANOTHER JNSO and reached out...we made plans, I was supposed to take my girls to the museum, and the park. It never happened. Never got another phone call. And then October. A court summons. I was almost late for it and when I called to appear telephonically, I WAS TOLD I TECHNICALLY WASNT SUPPOSED TO APPEAR. IT WAS A TERMINATION OF RIGHTS HEARING. I was devastated. My children had been stolen right beneath me.

I miss my babies. I am VVVVLC with my JNF and NC with SM. I am so angry and hurt. I can't find a legal aid worker that will help because the case was filed in another county. This is the second Christmas, second set of birthdays, and a full YEAR since I have seen my girls. I keep looking at clothes, and toys...this hurts so much...