needed to just tell ,,, someone

i’m not ? living. i don’t think. i don’t know. i only feel alive at concerts, at clubs, at parties; i feel alive when there is music pumping through my blood and a person to make out with next to me. when i can hear the bass in my heartbeat and can’t sing along anymore due to screaming the lyrics for the past hour already. that’s the only time i ever feel truly alive. i care about music and stars and that’s it.

i’m not alone. i have a very large group of friends who love me as i love them. i have a family that care for me and pets who i adore. i have a band who i dedicate my life to and people online who love me. but i don’t want to do this. i don’t want to feel as empty as i do. i either feel too much or i feel nothing at all. i wish i could feel nothing at all, all the time. i’m sick of trying. i’ve been loved once, but i didn’t feel the same.

i don’t particularly want a relationship, i think i just want someone to look at me as though i am worth more than a quick fuck. maybe i do want a relationship. but nobody that i might love could love me. it’s happened many times.

i know that i want to die. i want to cut open my throat, but i won’t. i couldn’t do that to my mum. and i want to explore before i do that. there is so much in this world to see, so much i will miss out on if i die. but i don’t know how to fix this feeling of too much. there is too much in my brain and in my heart and i’m being used by the people i love and i just want someone to care.

i have already tried to kill myself twice. i won’t try again. but oh god do i want to.

if you’ve read this far then thanks. i don’t have anyone to tell this to as i don’t want to worry them. i just wanted to write it down.