Should I really care anymore?

I don't really know to be honest, I find life too much of a hassle than it's is enjoyable. It's been 9 years since I've been depressed and I don't really remember what it's like to be happy. It all started in high school, the damn place was just a torture center to me. I've just been pressured to have the best grades and I've never felt close to my friends. My parents weren't ever willing to buy nice things for me. I just had a crappy computer and all I can do is emulate ROMs of old games. I always get into arguments with my Dad. I became a total shut in and developed undiagnosed social anxiety. I was too afraid to talk to people but I always get the wrong impression that I wasn't interested or I was rude. I started skipping classes and really couldn't give a shit. I don't really see the reason for doing anything.

I had my first job sometime before graduating high school and all I really care about was work. I just wanted the money because I felt like I was actually earning something for being tortured. After high school I got a secondary job and just work two full-time jobs. I had nothing better to do anyways. I didn't want to go to university, I don't want to upgrade my near failing English Literacy mark cause for whatever fucking reason I need it for STEM fields. I don't want to go through that torture again, it's annoying going through that course having social anxiety and has nothing to do with my interests. I didn't like being home, I only go home just to sleep and my times off work I just stay in the pub and drink by myself.

I was always drunk. I started showing up to work drunk. I never got caught. I remember some days I show up sober and people usually think there is something wrong because I will be a lot quieter. My drunk side seems to be my normal side. I stopped drinking and I realize that I'm never really happy, it's get's tiring showing off a fake smile as well.

I quit one of my jobs, I got sick of work because I know I was just doing for the money. It started to hit me that my life is just an empty shell. I'm just waiting to rot away. I've started talking to my doctor about my depression, I'm taking stertraline now. I can't really tell if they help. I had a referral to a therapist but I ended up not showing up. I'm too damn afraid of talking about myself. I tried texting the crisis line but it never gets anywhere.

I started school this fall for mechanical engineering, my grades are fairly decent because now I'm taking courses that are actually relevant. I was excited for it but of course that was only temporary. I finished my finals and I haven't felt like I've accomplished much. Now that I'm in winter break I still don't feel any happiness. In fact I actually feel worse, I don't have my studies to distract me from my depression and I haven't really talk to anyone now that I'm out of school. I don't want to go back to work, I don't like working. I don't want to drink or do drugs, I'm done with that shit. I don't have any friends to hang out with. I don't want to go back to the pub. I just come back to the school cause I have nowhere else to go.

I'm 23 years old guy. I felt like I haven't lived my life to the fullest and I don't think I ever will. I never been in a relationship and I'm still a virgin, who would want a worthless piece of trash like me? I hate watching other people having a good time because I never will. I hate seeing couples or guys with there buddies. I avoid social media because I'm only going to get more envious seeing other people with their happy life. I've cut my wrist once, I feel too lazy even just wanting to kill myself. I feel like I'm just a ghost in the fog. I don't see why I should care. I'm just waiting for that day that I will die. I'm hoping to get a job somewhere in the oil sands in the middle of nowhere and never be seen again. I don't really want to live. I don't really see why. I'm just to apathetic to really care. I don't even know why I'm even posting this. I just hope I can fall asleep one day and I don't have to ever wake up. Whatever.