I feel like I can't see anything anymore. [TW: rape]

I was raped. 10 years ago. I've had a lot of therapy since then, and things got a lot better. Recently I had decided lingering issues from the rape were causing issues in my relationships. So I went to see a therapist. At first I thought he was good for me. He really seemed to get me and understand how my brain worked. He understood how I freeze and dissociate in uncomfortable situations. How I don't have the strength to get myself out, and how I make excuses for the people that treat me poorly.

Which is why I feel so violated by him now. He would make me hug him, and wouldn't let go when I made it clear I was uncomfortable. I didn't tell him to let me go, because I couldn't in that moment, and he knew that. But he ignored me dropping my arms and leaning out. He told me I had to tell him to stop in order for it to stop, that I needed to learn this. I was naieve. And I trusted that he was doing this to help me.

So the hugs continued, each session. He stopped asking for permission. He started tricking me into them and taking me off guard. He started smelling my hair when he hugged me, and running his fingers up and down my back. Meanwhile in the session telling me that he loved my mind, he could listen to me talk for hours, that I was beautiful. All the while making allusions to my not doing enough to stop the rape in the first place. Asking me to write out every detail of the rape for homework so we could read it together.

I started seeing a new (female) therapist last week. I'm going through the process of reporting him. But man, I'm not keeping it together, guys. My PTSD is world's worse than it was after the rape. I've spent my last few weeks holed up in my apartment, jumping at any sound I hear, crying uncontrollably, or completely dissociated from everything.

I moved to this city a couple years ago, but I haven't found many people here that I can lean on. That I feel safe to be emotional with. I had some of those people back home, and I've talked to them, but I don't want to be the person who is constantly calling and crying to the handful of people I know and trust. And most days I feel crazy myself for reacting so strongly to hugging. I can't help but think everyone else thinks I'm overreacting.

You know when you were a kid, and you're on a merry-go-round? And it's spinning and spinning so fast that everything is just a blur? But how we all learned that trick where you pick a point to watch for on every rotation, and it'll keep you grounded? I feel like I'm spinning, but I've lost my reference point. I'm paralyzed in fear and frantically searching for something to look at, to ground me, but there's nothing there. And the ride isn't slowing down, if anything it's speeding up.