Am I (30M) in an emotionally abusive relationship? (31F)

I'm just going to list the key facts.

I have been seeing my girlfriend for coming up to two years now.

If she ever catches wind that I'm going out on my own without her (we live in different cities). Suddenly the texting goes from 'acceptable' to 'I literally can't focus on what I'm trying to do without her because she's texting so much'. She'll bombard me with questions, needing to know where I am, who I'm talking to, until I'm home. And then I have to video call her, it almost feels like I have to 'prove' I'm home.

I just had a new neighbour move across the way. And I was saying how nice it was that someone a similar age to me has moved into the block because (no offence intended). Everyone that lives on my floor is So old! We passed her in the lift today and that was it, "Ah I can see why you're glad she's moved in", "Does she have a boyfriend with her?", "Keep your chin off the floor!" etc.

I pay for like every fucking thing. And I get it, she's on just above minimum wage (UK). But she lives at home, I have so many expenses. It's just become the thing that I pay for everything now. I'm not exaggerating. Everything. And she never wants to eat what I have in, so I have to order in, or we go out.

She's always putting me down. And if I ever tell her how it's hurting me/out of order i'll be told to 'locate my vagina' or 'stop being such a sensitive sally' etc.

I am just so tired! Relationships aren't supposed to make you tired and exhaust you right? When we saw my neighbour she said "Do you fancy her?" And I was like "No (obviously)" and she started saying I was blushing. I swear I wasn't... I can feel when I'm blushing!

My father is really sick (won't go in to it). And my mother really wants me to fly home (different country) to visit her for XMAS. The old man wants me there as well (where I am now). Anyway, my ex (who I'm still great friends with) lives in my homeland and I am like in turmoil deciding on where to go. Anyway my girlfriend said to me tonight "I'll think less of you if you go home to your Mum's for XMAS". Is that a really horrible thing to say or is it just me? I will think less of you... The fuck?

I've lost touch with all my friends, my family. I'm endlessly tired, I'm broke. This is not me! I used to be so fucking cool, man. I used to have such hope. I am literally fucking dead inside and I feel so weak!

I got so trained to never raise confrontation with anyone I found myself here.

Don't ever find yourself here, it's fucking shit!

The strangest thing is I can take the abuse for months and i'll be so close to just ending it. Then she will do a single nice thing for me, and I can't explain it. I'll be all "Aw but she did that single, lovely thing." She's not all bad!".

The fuck is wrong with me?!

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