Whelmed

Current situation studying abroad in foreign country.
Situation to come: Graduation at March, returning home... to no home, no car, no credit, no job. With a cat on international flight.
Details a bit much for now so I'll put it down that I currently have a enough money saved survive until March and purchase plane ticket home with my cat.
It seems extremely urgent that i have to get a job ASAP and maybe(?) be able to parasite off my relative's place.
I've also been placed on pressure to find full time job since part time job won't cut it to get out of my situation alone.
Also for current studies I've been fighting to get things done by deadline...

I know just springing off to the extreme when i say this but I regret being conscious of being a human and being born human. I hate the awareness I have. I hate that I overthink. I hate that I don't just go out there and move like all things do with their instinct and just live. I always look at my cat and I'm always jealous. Not just fact that he lives with his needs catered by me, but more that he probably doesn't know what moral is. He doesn't know what society is. He doesn't know what it means to be born, live, procreate and die. He doesn't think about how to get employed, how to get educated, how to make money and breathe paying bills. He lives with what he's given. He doesn't think how unfair things are. There's no legality to stop him from stealing, killing and taking what he wants. He just lives and does. If he does something and get away with his life no one comes down on him to question what he's done is right. He just lives. He's just a cat. But a human? Ah, you can't just be a human... Ya gotta be something more. sigh...

There's too much to think about as a human. So much ahead of me. Fucking hate how much human race has developed but is still tied to the instincts and surviving, unbefitting modern society.

I hate the pressure my mom has put on me to hurry up and become independent because she now lacks the ability to support herself too.

Maybe I'm just complaining about something normal b.c I've been raised overprotected. Maybe for certain things 'never too late' doesn't apply. Maybe I'm just excessively sitting and thinking where it doesn't belong.

I hate that kissing up is skill disgusted by people but necessary skill.

I just... want to stop being human. Stupid self preservation tells me its gonna take too much effort to get 100% death suicide. Stupid brain of mine won't let go of dopamine it gets when i play a video game. It feels stupid to think its stupid.

Thoughts go no where. I'm still alive. Things are still looming to happen. I still get up in the morning to spend time on the internet, then bang my head on the wall at all the things I have to do. And I am now fucking screaming at myself for making this post here watching myself miss the deadline for my project.

Aaaaaagggggh....... I wish I had a delete button for emotions and overthinking. Why can't i be a single-cell organism? Why did my brain have to I recognize that I was a human born in modern society?

You know what, for the last finisher, I'm gonna blame God putting me in his stupid experiment container called "Earth". Ya made a weird one. I'm not even Christian but you sure are convenient as fuck when I want to blame stuff. Why'd ya even create stuff like "Hell" "Demons" and "Fruit of Knowledge?" WHY YA CREATE 'EM MR.CREATOR. If he's out there I'm sure he's laughing. What kind of sympathetic fool makes things in his image and then go "Ey, ey, you didn't look at the thing yet cuz i just made you but LOOK that thing there? Its the fruit of knowledge. You eat EVERYTHING but THAT ONE." Fucking low-key sadist saying that knowing what will happen. Can't tell if he wants people to go against faith or be faithful.

Aaaaaagh.