(21/M) Extremely lonely after break up.

Hey guys and girls,

Just thought I'd vent/seek advise here, I've just been so lonely in terms of people to talk to and friends in general.

I got out of a three year relationship last month, I broke up because there were things we both were unwilling to change about ourselves which impacted the health of the relationship, and this obviously wouldn't work long term. To be crystal clear we broke up around 2 months ago but she cried and forced me to be friends with her (promising that relationship baggage wouldn't turn up in this friendship lol). I tried talking sense into her, telling her that friends would only work if we took some time apart to let go of our romantic feelings but she insisted and I turned weak and gave in to her demands, which led to friends turning into friends with benefits, and FWB turning back into a relationship, bringing back the fights and arguments. This ended a month ago, after which I realised how lonely I really was without her.

A little about me, I'm the kind of person who takes a few meetings to get comfortable with a person and I'm too picky for my own good in terms of friends and relationships. I have no segregations such as friends, best friends, bffs or whatever, it's pretty much binary for me, either an acquaintance or a friend. A friend would be someone else's definition of a best friend, literally in my head I think of the tight knit group in the TV show friends when I think of the word friends. I hate socializing and making small talk. It's dumb obviously since friends won't just fall into my lap and I have to make an effort myself, but to be honest, recently I've been trying but I just think none of the people I've talked to or met so far are "real enough" for me to be friends with.

I'm also kind of heartbroken because it didn't take my ex even a week to go on tinder and sleep with someone else (we were each other's first), the reason I didn't want to be friends with her originally is because I didn't want to witness this, she told me that I didn't have to worry about it, guess she was wrong... I found out about this after my weak ass messaged her after a week to find out how she's holding up (low key, I wanted things to work out again). I pretty much wished her luck and blocked her off all outlets, although I haven't deleted our pictures, her pictures, I keep postponing it. I just want some sort of validity that the last 3 years of my life weren't a waste and I actually had fun! She did help me become better in some ways and I want to keep the mementos for it.

I can't help but feel sad whenever I look at her and our pictures of having fun, when I compare it to now, the bland - boring - lonely life I'm living right now, it feels as if I made a mistake breaking up. But I know that it wouldn't work out long term, I live with my parents and elder sister, in my final year of college just finished a full time internship (didn't want to work final trimester of college since final project). My home life isn't the best, I have the worst relationship with my sister and there's a constant riff between her and my mom which causes dad to be involved and it's a whole thing with screaming and violence atleast a few times a week, in short; there's no peace at home. And a major factor of me being unable to cope with the relationship was the constant arguments we were having there and the lack of peace there was in the relationship.

I tried downloading tinder, trying to look for drinking buddies, horrible idea, I know, but it doesn't matter since in Dubai, tinder is filled 95% with hookers for guys. I've legit given up all hope on that now and I'm just lost on what to do, how to feel normal and not depressed from the loss of my partner and best friend. We used to always be out atleast 4 days a week I used to never have time for other things, we used to do all sorts of things, go all new places, drive around, it was never boring. But now it's just like there's nothing to do for me, I wake up at 5 pm I realise there's nothing to do, nowhere to go. The friends I had prior to the relationship weren't really friends, they kept me company but as acquaintances, the group we used to hang out and drink with in the relationship were her friends (acquaintances), I neglected mine because I barely had time to hang with them (shitty thing to do, I know, but I would never do so if they were actually my friends). Right now I just meet up with old school friends once or twice a week and it's just a time waster, something to help me forget and despise my current situation.

I'd like to think I'm an ambitious fellow and I've been trying to research and form my own startup. I've even started kickboxing to get in better shape and physically vent in spars (lmao). But whenever I think of her, come across her photo or anything about her, I just go into a downwards spiral and remember how much better the good times with her were, I know we broke up because it got to a point where the bad outweighed the good, but the brain has a funny way of working, in the relationship it only reminded me of the bad, now it is only reminding me of the good. I've been meaning to burn these romantic physical notes and Polaroids of herself and us that she kept surprising me with by hiding them in my wallet, but I don't know if I want to, I don't want all of it just poof gone.

I get that 3 years might not seem like a looong time to many of you, but it's been the prime years of my life, 3 years ago I was a different person, an 18 year old dork who just graduated school. We spent all the 3 years shaping each other and it's just empty and odd without that person still there. I don't know I'm just typing really, I don't know what I expect to get out of this but I haven't got the chance to vent to anyone in real life, I've kept all this and much much much more inside me all this while with no one to talk to, no one to share with. I don't want rebounds, I don't want flings, I don't want relationships, I'm honestly just looking for a true friend, why is it so hard to come across someone you can click with.

Anyways, I commend you if you've read all the way through here, there won't be a tldr because that was the tldr, probably just 5% of everything I want to let out. Like I said I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this, but some advice or constructive criticism would be great.