Source
r/OCPoetry•
MisterBlu

The Crestfallen Raven

Feedback Received!

The crestfallen raven of the Western Shire peered down at the worm of the early hour,
“Worm, worm,” squawked the raven at the worm as it squirmed between rock and soil,
“Shall I be remembered when I pass? For I am beset by death and see the end at last.
Will none recall my fierce, black feather, the midnight plume in storming weather?
Will the earth weep for me when my beak may kiss its cheek a final time and sink beneath, then beyond, with time?
Might the stars, where I have flown, whom all I have known, at my doom, fall across the night sky like rain drops against my plume?
Tell me, fresh, squirming worm, will I be remembered at all, or be gone in time with the morning dew?”
“If you do not eat me,” said the worm, “I will remember you.”

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Posted Dec 24, 2018, 8:59 PM UTC

93
Podaroo•

The internal rhymes work nicely -- I especially like how the worm's final response doesn't use any, reinforcing how verbose the raven is in contrast to the worm.

A few moments have me stumbling a bit. The line that begins "Might the stars" has some fantastic images, but the rhythm and the uptick in internal rhymes drives me forward so quickly I don't really spend any time with them.

I like how this line, by tying the images of falling stars and raindrops on feathers together, makes me think of the raven falling too making its death seem closer. I'd like to see those images re-worked a bit to make the reader linger while maintaining the questions' urgency.

3
gwrgwir•

Interesting piece. There's good use of internal rhyme, though said rhyme's inconsistent and there's no set meter to speak of. I'm reading the rhyme (per line) as
Aa Shire/hour
Aa worm/squirmed
Aa pass/last
AA feather/weather
AA / (BB) beak/cheek / (time/time)
AA / BB flown/known / doom/plume
and no rhyme for either of the last 2 lines.

That aside - why's the Western Shire significant/relevant to the piece? Why's a raven asking a worm for what's essentially advice about an existential crisis (much the same way as a human would ask a chicken or fish)? The beneath/beyond line could use expansion, as could how the raven knows all the stars, and why it's doomed in the first place (as opposed to simple death). Solid twist at the end.

2
kallic_•

I am no pro on rhyme scheme and all that. The way I view poetry is: “Does it move me?” Or am I intrigued by what I’m reading and do I wanna read more? This poem hits on both of those for me. I’m new to this sub, and wanted to post somethin but saw the rule of needing to provide feedback first. So I’m scrolling through and this one caught my attention. Very good title.

But the poem itself has a really nice flow to it. The rhyme scheme makes it a nice read. I get the sense that the Raven is selfish in it’s desire for appreciation or recognition. But it’s not necessarily a “bad” selfish. It’s almost innocent. This raven, just some random animal known as the harbinger of malice, simply wants to be remembered for its significance or role in the foretelling of the end of all. It’s pretty sad tbh. I love it tho. Thanks for the read.

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