I wish I was a girl but I don't want to stop being a guy. Who am I? (seeking advice/rant)

Not really sure if this is the right sub for this but I need to get this off my chest.

I'm 23, AMAB, and I've known about my gender issues for a few years now. I'm not an idiot, I saw the writing on the wall. The love of GB manga and anime, the intense attraction towards the LGBT community, and the oh-so-obvious "cis people don't ask themselves these questions". Plus the whole "wanting to be a girl" thing was pretty damning evidence.

Yet, my experience feels kind of out of touch with the stereotypical transwoman story. No, I didn't want to be a girl from a young age; these feelings have only been around for a few years. I was very much interested in the stereotypical boy things. I never wore female clothing or ever wanted to. When I look in the mirror, I like what I see (for the most part; I'm heavier than I'd like but that's not really gender specific is it). Actually, I hate mirrors, but not because they remind me that I'm a guy, I hate them because I get super distracted and will sit there checking myself out.

Because of all this, I was planning to stay closeted forever. Then a close friend of mine came out as a transwoman and that was a real wake up call for me. Like "Oh shit, you mean you don't have to suppress being trans?". Still, I identified as cishet because I liked my maleness. I didn't want to stop being a guy, so why should I tell people I'm a girl now?

However, recently the gender stuff has been quite intense and the questions are unending. I opened up to some of my queer friends and instantly felt a lot of relief, but now I'm getting different kinds of anxiety. I don't feel like I fit with the main queer labels. I don't even want a fucking label, to me they stand for how I ought to feel instead of representing how I actually do. But man I still crave the simplicity of just being able to say "I'm X". I guess I'm non binary? That feels super nebulous and doesn't really help but it's something. Even the trans friend who forced me out of the closest is identifying as nb these days which is good for her but like "UGH YOU MADE ME THINK BEING TRANS WAS DEFINITIVE".

I went to my high school reunion not too long ago after coming out to a few people, dressed masculine as hell. I got a lot of compliments on my looks and my clothes and it made me feel... good. I liked that people thought I was a handsome man. But I'm supposed to want to be a girl?!? Why am I happy when people see me as a guy?!?

I buy expensive soaps and beauty products because they make me feel cute and feminine. I rock stubble and an undercut because they make me feel cool and masculine. When I think about having kids in the future, I want to be a father so badly. Is that a lie? When I see beautiful girls out and about I wish I could be like them. Is that a lie? Maybe I just want to have my cake and eat it too. Maybe I'm in denial about everything and all those years I spent trying to be the man I wanted to be was bullshit. Maybe I just want to know one thing:

Who the fuck am I?

Epilogue: well that was cathartic. If you're wondering, I do plan to see a therapist after the new year. I'm fortunate enough to live in San Francisco so there definitely are resources available for me. If anyone had advice on how to find and vet a good LGBT friendly therapist it would be very much appreciated.