Leaves whirled fast, scraping
in receding currents, to
gather by the oak.
~
The world was such a wonder.
I doubt I thought how small I was, nor
of my life beyond the fence.
~
Puddles freeze. Clear ice
is cracked, chipped, then pressed opaque
by new probing toes.
•••
Posted Dec 28, 2018, 9:30 PM UTC
The imagery presented here is excellent. I would have preferred if you expanded on the second stanza more. Or, I would recommend moving the second stanza to be the third stanza. The first and 3rd stanzas seem to be way more connected, and the second stanza seems more like a closer to me. Obviously I'm reading this as me and I'm projecting a different vibe onto it than perhaps was intended, but those are my thoughts.
I like the form -- it's got some interesting possibilities.
And I love how the images in each stanza work together, and the vividness of the first and last stanzas. The first stanza feels satisfyingly balaced, but then is wonderfully expanded by the image of cracked ice. The line "then pressed opaque/by new probing toes" is especially original and vivid.
The middle stanza, with it's use of 'I,' seemed somewhat jarring to me at first. But I can see that it's serving a different purpose than the other two stanzas, and I like how anchors the first and last together. I also like the image of the fence, and how it divides the two 'landscape' sections of the poem.
Thanks for this -- I'm excited to try the 'Big Triku' myself!
Thanks for this really good review. Yes; I’m loving the ‘Big Triku’! It’s a simple form, but I find it works really well. I’ve written 10 since defining the form in November, all on my blog which you can find from above links, if you want to see some other examples out of interest (it has a Big Triku sub-menu). Anyway, hope you give it a go and it works for you, I’m looking forward to / hoping to see others try it and see if it works well for them, and to see what is written using it 😊