How I got 4/4 successful disclosures

I thought it would be easier to make a separate post because it seemed like a lot of people wanted to know! Some background, I’m a 20 year old female. My ex who I was with for a year and a half gave me GHSV-1 and he has it orally.

The first time I disclosed it was in person over dinner on I think our third date. I wrote out a long message on the notes app giving information about herpes, including statistics, as well as how I got it. In the message I stated that if he chooses this isn’t a “risk” he’s willing to take that I won’t be offended and I just hope he won’t look at me differently. I’ve researched tons about herpes so I also made sure to add that I’d love for him to ask me questions whether he wants to continue the relationship or not. Over dinner I told him I needed him to read something because I was too shy to say it out loud, and so I gave him my phone with the note and he read it and we talked about it, and in the end he was fine with it. He asked me questions whenever he had one and I felt it was best to normalize it instead of add to the stigma, which is why I told him he’s free to ask me questions.

The next three times were over text because I felt more comfortable that way. Same idea with the long message about how I got it, general info, and statistics. For me personally, I felt this approach was better because I was so scared of being rejected in person that if I were to be rejected at least it would be in the comfort of my own home so I’d be free to cry and binge eat lol. Each time it did add a little more anxiety because I could see they’ve read my message but have yet to reply.

With all of this being said, most of the time people have next to no education on herpes! Including disclosures to friends and family (which all of my friends and family know about my herpes), approaching it in a way that’s educating but also not making a big deal of it really helps. A long term relationship may not be everyone’s situation, but I think it helps when I mention that because people realize “oh, she wasn’t sleeping around like i would’ve assumed unless she told me it was from an ex”.

As pathetic as it may seem, I treated my disclosure message as an essay. I went back and edited it many many times until I felt like it was both informative yet not made to be a huge deal.

The reality of it is is that herpes is not as big of a deal as people make it out to be. Almost everyone I’ve disclosed to has told me that they didn’t know anything about herpes, that they didn’t even know that genital herpes was the same thing as cold sores.

I think whether you feel more comfortable disclosing in person or via text, you should research herpes if you have yet to do so. Be ready to answer questions, because more often than not, people have many questions if they’re uninformed. Don’t act like the virus is life threatening.

I hope this helped at least one person. And for anyone who wants someone to talk to, feel free to message me! I’d be more than happy to talk to you and be there for you.

Edit: I also find asking them if they’ve ever had a cold sore helps. If they say no then you can ask do you know anyone who has had one? They likely do, and you can just say it’s exactly that just in a different location (if it’s ghsv). One guy I disclosed to was a bit worried, but when I had asked him if he’s ever had a cold sore he said yes and I said okay considering it’s likely hsv-1, there’s really nothing to worry about because his body likely would’ve created the antibodies for the virus. It’s not always safe to assumed someone had gotten oral hsv as a child, but it’s very common!

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Edit 2:

I need to be honest with you, not only because it’s the right thing to do but because I care about you.

About a year ago, my ex had a cold sore on his face and went down on me, resulting in me getting a cold sore genitally. I think it’s important for me to mention that part because I was in a longterm relationship and just got unlucky with that one — it’s not like I was sleeping around with multiple people at the same time, and that’s what most people think if someone has an STI. (The only reason this is considered an STI is because it’s usually transmitted through kissing and sex but of course you don’t even have to have had sex to have the virus in your body, often people initially get the virus as a child).

So people call cold sores on their face, cold sores but they call cold sores genitally, herpes, but it’s the exact same virus, just a different location, and both is herpes (HSV). It’s just the stigma that makes it different. With that being said, 80% of the population has the virus in their body already, it’s extremely common. With the 20% of the population who has “genital herpes”, I think it’s roughly 80% of those people don’t actually know they have it. So people actually have a higher chance of getting it from someone random than from someone like me who knows their status.

If you’ve ever had a cold sore orally, then you’d likely never ever get the virus genitally and vice versa. The virus is just in your body but points of entry are the mouth or genitals (especially for girls) because it likes to live in moist areas lol, but the virus stays dormant in your body and only physically appears usually during periods of high stress.

If you don’t have the virus in your body, it’s about less than a 5% chance that you would get it from someone when they are NOT having an active outbreak, i.e. an active coldsore. And that 5% is within one year, not a day, so it’s a very very low percentage. With condoms, it’s less than 5% with the biggest risk is during an outbreak, obviously, and then with antiviral medication it’s less than a 1% chance. Which for someone with hsv-1 (me, and 80% of the population) gets an outbreak maybe once a year; again, the exact same thing as getting cold sores on your lips, and there are many factors as to why or why not you could experience none, one, or multiple outbreaks a year. It’s important to know the statistics just to show both how prevalent it is, as well as how unlikely it is to get it when you’re educated and can take preventative measures. With that being said, people are more likely to get hsv during a random hookup than someone who knows their status.

So anyways, I’m very open about it now, and it’s only “bad” because it’s stigmatized. The virus doesn’t impact someone any more than as an annoyance. But I do want to give you the option to end things between us if this is a risk (for lack of better word) that you wouldn’t want to take If you do want to end this then I completely understand and won’t be offended by your decision. Regardless, I hope that it doesn’t make you think differently of me. And whether you want to continue seeing each other or not, if you have any questions then it would be great if you’d ask me. It’s important to me to do my part in reducing the stigma because considering more of the population has the virus than not, there should not be a stigma surrounding this and unfortunately I had to endure hurtful stigmatization from the person who gave it to me and I don’t want anyone to have to go through what I went through. And although I’m desensitized to this, I know that it can still be a shock to others which is why I made this message so long just so I can kind of educate you that really it’s nothing to worry about. And the initial disclosing scares me because I’m terrified of getting a negative reaction, but if you do still want to be with me then feel free to ask questions in person I’d be more than happy to talk about it. And again, because of stigmatization and potential annoyance of having it I do want to give you the opportunity to end things with me if that’s what you want. I like you a lot and do hope that you want to continue seeing each other, but I figured telling you sooner than later would be easier if you do decide to move on.

Some links you can check out:

https://www.herpes.org.nz/patient-info/myths-vs-facts/ https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/diseases/genital-herpes.html https://www.catie.ca/en/fact-sheets/sti/genital-herpes http://www.bccdc.ca/resource-gallery/Documents/Educational%20Materials/STI/Herpes%20HCP%20Guide.pdf

I got all of my information from my doctor because I felt the most confident with what she had told me, as some places on the internet can have conflicting information. I hope this helps you guys!!