Source
r/TryingForABaby•
EverySingleStar

I ignorantly didn’t think I’d hear this said to me...

After 6 months TTC, approaching 35, I’m at my doctors office to see if there is any additional testing I should be doing. The nurse doing triage comes in to the room where I am sitting to ask the reason for my visit. Told her I’ve been trying for 6 cycles, taking BBT with well timed sex and nothing has happened yet and I’m just trying to be proactive and make sure everything is ok. She just looked at me, and with a small laugh said, “well maybe if you just tried to RELAX?”

I said yeah that’s not how it works, if only it was so easy. She said “I swear I’ve seen it happen that way”.

Yeah sure lady, whatever you say. Then she just walked out. Let’s see if my doctor who is actually a decent guy tells me to RELAX.

Posted Jan 30, 2019, 4:44 PM UTC

16566
Pm_me_some_dessertMOD | 33F | TTC1 | MFI | IVF#1=2 PGS Normals•

Sounds like a great thing to report to your doctor as a "hey your nurse is being completely insensitive and unprofessional." I have no tolerance anymore for such ignorance being spread by supposed medical professionals. There's no reason that fertility concerns shouldn't be treated as valid medical issues - there's no way I'm going to relax more sperm into Mr. Dessert's balls.

127
whammbamthankyouman•

Yep. Exactly.

I respond with, "that shifts the responsibility of this issue onto me. The implication of "just relax" is that I'm causing my infertility, instead of this being a valid medical condition. Please do not say that to me anymore."

109
nothingweasel27 | TTC#1 | Cycle ???!? | Betrayed by my baby box•

"...Please do not say that to anyone ever again."*

29
whammbamthankyouman•

I'm not here to tell someone what to do. I will tell them what I expect, and set firm boundaries for myself, but I wouldn't feel comfortable saying that IRL. But I hope that any socially conscious creature would get the memo and not repeat it.

2
SillysarahtrixRme•

That is a gorgeous response!

10
czeszkaTTC#1, TFMR Apr '18, MC Sep '18•

Best answer ever. I'm stealing it.

5
whammbamthankyouman•

Do it. I've gotten great respondes and the best part is that I don't feel resentful to them for months, and also don't feel unnecessarily mean. It's been great and I've felt really at peace with it.

5
wander1262•

Good for you!!! What an unprofessional statement for her to make.

2
llamacolypse•

there's no way I'm going to relax more sperm into Mr. Dessert's balls.

I get that that's your username but I kinda what to call my SO's junk Mr. Dessert's balls now.

26
Pm_me_some_dessertMOD | 33F | TTC1 | MFI | IVF#1=2 PGS Normals•

LOL. I give you permission ;)

7
ceeface32 | TTC# 1 | IVF #1•

And in that moment, we were all Mr. Dessert's balls.

8
Pm_me_some_dessertMOD | 33F | TTC1 | MFI | IVF#1=2 PGS Normals•

I’m going to skip telling him this. He’s already not thrilled with how gleefully I retell the experience of watching him get a testicular exam.

5
todayswheather33 | TTC#1 | Cycle 8•

I keep reading it as Mr. Desert, like it's a sperm desert.

4
EverySingleStarOP•

It just caught me so off guard and I tend to be the type not to make a huge deal about things. I have to be armed with a good response next time. I did tell the doctor and he didn’t think it was good but he himself tried to put a positive spin on it and seems to have his own superstitions about things happening when you let go/surrender. I didn’t want to start a whole discussion on why I disagreed but I did make some points. At the moment it didn’t seem worth pursuing because I actually really like him as a doctor and I know he himself would have never said that to me. The nurse from today wasn’t his usual nurse so hopefully I will not be seeing her again.

4
L_obsoleta•

Just a heads up, if you are in the US his not having you go for further testing/to a fertility expert at this point is not in line with current medical recommendations.

For those under 35, after a year of trying they refer you to specialists to help figure things out. For 35 and up it is after 6 months of TTC.

Regardless hopefully it happens soon for you!

1
EverySingleStarOP•

Hmm maybe it’s because I turn 35 in April that he wants me to wait till then? I think by April I’ll definitely be more than ready to do further testing if nothing has happened by then.

1
cookiesandginge24 | TTC#1 | Cycle 3 | MFI 💦•

Lol!

3
StaceyCarosi•

Relax is the same as saying calm down- basically the most infuriating thing to be told. How completely unprofessional.

64
birdieforbaby30 | TTC# 1| Cycle 4•

I 100% feel for you. It must be super frustrating to hear from a health care professional.

I have personally taken this to mean I should do things that will relax me. So I take yoga once a week, and walk my dogs every morning for 30-60 minutes and watch the sunrise and do guided meditations every night before bed.

Now my response will be “I do every thing in my control to relax including x,y,z. Any other suggestions?”

60
sofalady198534 | TTC#2 | Cycle 4•

I couldn't agree with this more. I have a very stressful job that most certainly affects my ovulation - I see that because I chart. So I make sure that "relaxation" aka selfcare is part of of my daily routine. The more "zen" I feel, the more predictable my cycles are.

A much better question is "how do you manage stress?"

19
birdieforbaby30 | TTC# 1| Cycle 4•

Totes agree. I’ve got a stressful job and I’m in an exec grad school program. That + TTC (and being anxious by nature) means I really do have to self-care hard to regulate things as much as I can. It does really help my mood too and helps minimize my natural pessimism/realism.

7
e90DriveNoEvil•

Even more frustrating when it comes from a person in the medical field! My acupuncturist told me to quit my job because it is too stressful for me to ever get pregnant. Sure, yeah, then I’ll have the stress of not being having money to live!

29
abbyanonymous30 | TTC#1 | Cycle 6•

That’s awful. I’d be really tempted to ask them how they suggest you pay for acupuncture then

20
emmaballoo27 | TTC#1 | Cycle 4 PCOS•

For non TTC reasons, my therapist, masseuse, and doctor suggested I quit my job. I did eventually after lining something else up.

BUT HOLY SHIT THATS NOT HELPFUL. I'm stressed because of my job, sure. But also my in laws. Physical health. Money problems. My diagnosed depression and anxiety. Quitting my job won't fix that. It'll remove one stressor and immediately add another - no money.

2
EverySingleStarOP•

What a horrible thing to say!! For me the nurse’s comment was totally ridiculous because she doesn’t even know me. Other aspects of my life are not stressful and truth be told I also haven’t been very stressed about TTC! Diligent about tracking, yes, but I haven’t been sitting there stressed and anxious (TWW at 9dpo and over not withstanding lol).

2
e90DriveNoEvil•

Right! Being diligent about temping, tracking ovulation, and timing sex doesn’t mean we aren’t relaxed!! Most professionals recommend doing those things to increase your odds... but then if you do, they act like you are neurotic.

1
2pinkelephants27 | TTC#1 | Cycle 5 1yr NTNP•

"If that was the solution, you wouldn't have a job, would you?"

27
WestCoastMom2019•

Boom - Roasted.

3
sillylamb2931 | TTC# 1 | Cycle 2 | long ass cycles•

When I went to my annual appointment in 2017 the DOCTOR himself goes "You're 30 and haven't had a kid yet? What have you been waiting for? It's going to be extremely difficult the older you get, why would you wait this long?" Um because we hadn't gotten married yet and wanted to settle into our lives first oh and ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. When I called to make my appointment for 2018 I made sure to tell them I didn't ever want to see him again because of how uncomfortable he made me feel and their reaction was ":sigh: yeah we get that a lot about him." THEN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. So frustrating.

22
pinkbridges2637 🦕 | TTC#1 | Cycle 17 | 2 CPs•

So rude!! Ugh I can’t believe you were told that. I was told something similar when I was 33 “well you’re not getting any younger, better hurry up”. Hm, ok. Even tho I had barely been with my (now ex) for a year. Geez.

7
goodtolookupon31 | TTC#1 | Cycle 1 | Endo•

What a prick. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

5
bcraven126, TTC#1, Cycle 4, BFP!•

I had something similar at 23. Not yeah married. Dude asked if we had kids, I said no, I have student loans to pay off. His response: "thats such a white person thing to say"

I honestly think he was too socially awkward but damn...

3
envidiara29 | May 2018 MMC | March 2019 BO •

That’s so annoying. I’ve learned there are inconsiderate people in medicine. Years ago, I told an OBGYN during a routine visit that I was concerned about low libido for my age. She laughed and said “oh you just need to spice up the mood. Light a few candles.” Seriously? Sorry I didn’t realize I had to spice up the mood. 🙄

19
yayscienceteachers•

It doesn't help that women are routinely ignored when bringing actual problems up.

19
FayYang34 | TTC1 since Oct'2018 | Cycle 4 •

It's annoying when friends and family give such advice, but medical personnel should be more professional and know better. I admire your restrain! I think I'd give the woman a snarky ear-full.

18
wander1262•

Right?! I'm sure I used to say stuff along those lines. But now I know better and a professional should DEFINITELY know better. I had an appointment today and thank goodness she didn't say anything like that when I told her what's been going on and my struggles with it. She just empathized with me and basically said let's get down to business to see what we can find/do to help.

3
count_me_in_27 | TTC#1 | Cycle 10•

I agree with the comment from dessert on here about giving some feedback to the doctor about the nurse. They might think that they're being helpful and not realizing (even though its insanely obvious to us) that its NOT helpful at all.

I'm so sorry that your visit had to start out like that. Why don't people realize that the infertilty and RE field wouldn't even exist if "just relax" really worked?

In fact, "just relax" causes just the opposite because it makes people have expectations for how they should think and feel. Feel anxious during a vary anxiety-provoking process? Nope, you're not supposed to feel that way. So, now you just feel guilty because you feel anxious and upset when that's so normal.

Ugh, now i'm pissed off, but I guess I should just relax, right?

Edit: spelling

12
EverySingleStarOP•

Oh I wish I had that line in my head about the RE field in mind when she said that! I’ll store that one for later in case I get another unsolicited “just relax” comment.

I did speak to the doctor but I think he was trying to be kind and understanding towards why someone might say that. He said it was wrong and wasn’t justifying what she said but as I said in an above comment he gave me examples from his own life about when he surrendered and let go and things finally happened 🙄 (though he fully acknowledged some people needing intervention so at least he supports the medical side of things, which I would expect given that he IS a doctor).

3
Froggy101_Scranton28 | TTC#1 | Cycle 9•

Did you tell the doctor/admin staff? Odds are they’re saying this to load of people and need some extra training.

6
lawrnk•

Jesus. Like my mom. “Well Diane’s daughter was having trouble so they relaxed and took a cruise and that did it, haha.”

People are so ignorant.

6
count_me_in_27 | TTC#1 | Cycle 10•

Ok Mom, why dont you pay for us to go on a cruise and we'll let ya know how it goes 🤷‍♀️

6
Cricket-JiminyAGE 36 | TTC# 1 | Cycle 4•

I'm annoyed for you! You are at the Dr. For medical tests, labs, bloodwork, things rooted in science. Not vague, unsolicited advice that is not only unhelpful but condescending af.

5
earthgirl198335F, TTC#1 since 5/2017, 1 MC, PCO??•

it would have been really hard for me not to blurt out "may i have a different nurse, please?"

5
emsers23| TTC#1 | Cycle 9, Month 15 | PCOS•

My parents both say this to every time I see them. If I suggest that its not helpful they tell me I need therapy.

4
EverySingleStarOP•

I am so sorry that you have to hear that 😧Even when you know people are completely uneducated about how this all works, it can still hurt when they say things like that. To suggest you need therapy for telling them their comments aren’t helpful is beyond comprehension.

1
lchels88•

My women's doc recommended I come to her after 6mo. of trying.

At the same time, she advised I try not to get my hopes up too high since sometimes a woman such as myself who had recently gotten off the pill could take at least a few cycles to succeed. She reassured that I could still succeed the first cycle, but she felt she needed to throw out that precaution which is totally okay.

So, yeah--get a new doc if you can. It's no fun having a doc wave off your concerns.

4
Lovely1019•

I hate that try to relax bullshit... It's like well if you had issues too, it would be all you ever think about and therefore you cant relax. Switch places and see... I can't stand those people.

3
LadyofFluff28 | TTC#1 | Cycle 9•

Oh lord the responses... 'Maybe you got through nursing school by relaxing, but then you come out with that gem and it's obvious that time was wasted... I actually want to be successful at this, so please let the doctor know I'm here.'

3
sortashort35 | TTC#1 | Cycle 10 IUI#1•

That's what everyone with no real advice gives.

3
NewYorker1328 | TTC#1 | Cycle 4 since 09/18 | PCOS | prep for IUI & clomid•

And it is never effective!

1
Lellyjelly•

I just had this convo with my Dr last week and I love her more because of her stance on it! She said she’s never understood that line of thinking because if it’s really because you’re relaxed almost everybody would get pregnant within the first month or two since that’s when you’re the most relaxed. I mean do most starting TTC thinking “it’s gonna take me ages and a ton of fertility meds to get pregnant”? Hell no, you go into it thinking you’re a magical fertile goddess that’s going to get pregnant the first time you pull the goalie.

She also said it’s her opinion that women who do happen to get pregnant after trying a while and doing tests/meds aren’t getting pregnant because they’ve relaxed but more because you’ve removed so much of the original problem and “primed the pump” that you’re able to get pregnant. Looking at it that way made me feel so much better. When people tell me to relax it just makes me feel more like a failure. Awesome, I can’t keep a pregnancy AND I’m causing it because I can’t chill the hell out.

3
Zihaela34 | TTC#1 | Cycle 8•

That's so shitty. What did your actual doctor recommend? I'm in literally the exact same situation as you (trying all the things for 6 months +) and nearing 35. I want to talk to the doctor to see if there's anything I can do. I'm also a little concerned how my cycles tend to vary and past month my luteal phase was only 11 days. I understand it hasn't been "that long" but I also worry bc we want 2 kids and that means we really want to start asap.... :/ worried they will just tell me to keep trying and come back later.

2
EverySingleStarOP•

The doctor suggested I wait till April and said if nothing happens by then to come again. In the mean time he gave me a requisition form for a blood test to check my thyroid and said that he can send my husband for an SA. Since we have a 3 year old son and I have regular cycles he didn’t think it’s quite the right time to pursue anything beyond that at this point.

2
Zihaela34 | TTC#1 | Cycle 8•

Hmmmmm. That's disappointing. What did he suggest to do in April if you haven't conceived? I guess blood tests is where I'd want to start though and a sperm analysis. Thanks for the update though! I might give it a shot I guess it won't hurt to ask...

1