Source
r/marriedredpill•
part_wolf

Reasonable Requests versus Testing - False Positives

I'm going to keep this post short and sweet because I'm very new to MRP, but getting started comes with its challenges.

Since I've started applying the MRP principles and observing my wife's behavior, I've found that a few times I've been failing in a different way when my wife makes reasonable requests.

Once I started identifying shit tests, I saw them everywhere in her behavior. Sometimes she would ask me a direct, reasonable question with zero attitude - "Did you bring the garbage cans back in?" and I thought I was trying to agree and amplify - but really I was stuck in her frame. I hadn't disconnected from the validation and I thought I knew exactly what was coming next: a shit test about how I just left something else for her to do. In short, I was seeing a lot of false positives. She had trained me to expect the shit test.

The problem: I was still stuck in her frame. I was worrying about what was in her head. It made it easy for her to gaslight me.

Once I started to understand and implement stoicism and the DNGAF philosophy, I saw those questions for what they were: questions. My wife just wants to know if I packed our daughter's lunch for the day. If I'm handling my shit (I take care of our daughter's entire morning routine by myself), there's no need to get defensive. The shit tests are definitely there (usually even in the same conversation as a reasonable request), but it's so much easier to pass them when you see them for what they are.

Just starting out, having an ego and being a little bitch was holding me back. I was being a sarcastic prick. My wife pointed it out, and she was right.

I've had *way* more success once I identified shit tests more clearly. I'm not passing every single one of them, but my reaction time is better and if I didn't pass I'm making a mental note for next time. At least now I'm looking out for number one every day and staying in frame. She's told me she appreciates that I'm not just reacting, and she's been sweeter and more affectionate toward me. We're making progress because I'm making progress.

Obviously a big caveat here: most guys are probably failing actual shit tests, and that's obviously a greater risk than overreacting to a reasonable request.

The big lesson for me was if I just focus in on the true shit tests, my reactions will become more powerful. For me, right now it's more effective to have a slow transition. If I do fail a shit test, I make a mental note to be ready for the next one.

TL;DR - Problem: if you treat reasonable requests as a shit test, you can do more harm than good. Caveat: you're most likely fucking it up by failing shit tests. Lesson: get good at reading the pitches: hit the fastballs down the middle, but also don't swing at shit that's outside of the strike zone.

Posted Feb 8, 2019, 9:20 PM UTC · edited

3429
weakandsensitive•

Congratulations - you've realized that all testing is nothing more than congruence testing.

Next you'll realize that you alone have control over your actions and responses.

I personally like this post because it is a newer guy attempting to add value. Could this have been an OYS post? Probably. I don't see any questions - so it rules out askMRP. It's been a slow week.

26
jcrptaMarried- MRP APPROVED•

You're discovering the same thing as I did.

A lot of shit tests aren't shit tests. They're a clumsy attempt to bond using sarcasm and banter like men often do.

We misinterpret them because when a man does it, his tone is totally different.

A woman will often use the exact same tone of voice for friendly banter, a shit test and for when she's genuinely having a go at you.

You think she's being a complete bitch who literally cannot get a single sentence out of her mouth without having a go at you, but when you call her out on it, she cannot understand what you're talking about. It doesn't help that the received wisdom is that women are better at getting meaning across with tone of voice.

18
wrong_hole_lol•

Had this realization recently. My wife frequently goes for guy banter and comes off shitty. I used to give bro banter back to her... that didn't work too well.

2
SKRedPill•

The idea that women are better at many things takes a serious beating once you start developing yourself. It's the point where you take them off the pedestal and yourself off the gutter and just see things as they are.

1
BostonBrakeJobRoTY•

Great insight off the bat. This guy's going places.

Treat the reasonable requests like shit tests too, if ya want. When she breaks off crack a shit eating grin. Keep having fun with it until she realizes you're just fucking with her. Push/pull...when you're ready.

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part_wolfOP•

Love this idea, thanks.

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BluepillProfessorMarried-MRP MODERATOR•

obviously a big caveat

no that is not obvious at all. I was about to say the same thing. It can be to hot to live or to cold to live. Either extreme is incompatible with life.

You can be a yes man beta and this is incompatible with sex in marriage.

You can also be a clueless Rambo who refused to let his wife influence him. This can work for a player and even keep her coming back for more. Eventually it doesn't work for a wife.

Don't be to hot or cold. Don't be a yes man but don't respond like everything is shit test even if it is.

Why does this calibration work? Because it forces you to view the world from your own mental point or origin. That way you can make GOOD decisions for you and your family.I

Disrespecting reasonable requests and reminders is not a good decision. Usually.

Also, observe how a good and hard rodgering that was recent somehow turns her shit tests into reasonable requests. That shows it is you, not her. Don't respond to shit tests with anger and don't let your sexual frustration govern whether that request was reasonable. Filter it through the big head not the little one.

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part_wolfOP•

Also, observe how a good and hard rodgering that was recent somehow turns her shit tests into reasonable requests. That shows it is you, not her.

This is a dynamic I'd noticed in the past, but I didn't have the framework to understand the background behind why it was happening. I'm starting to.

2
Kpwn88•

observe how a good and hard rodgering that was recent somehow turns her shit tests into reasonable requests

Prolactin is a more powerful hormone than people realize. This is why jerking off will turn you into a pussy and having sex everyday is actually counterproductive to building yourself up.

1
matrixtospartanatLVMRP Approved•

Posts of enlightenment.

Love ‘em.

Progress being made.

You wrote about passing and failing shit tests.

Frame question;

WHO or WHAT determines if you have PASSED or FAILED a shit test?

In other words, in a world of pass/fail for shit tests, who is the arbiter?

And continuing in the vernacular, who wrote the test?

And is the proctor ALWAYS or EVER the test writer?

3 roles, 2 players.

How do YOU assign responsibility?

5
part_wolfOP•

I’m determining whether I’m passing or failing a shit test based on a pretty simple method: did I get the result I was looking for?

Figuring out if I got the result I was looking for is the hard part for me right now. Observing and making a note of whether my behaviors/actions/thoughts are leading me (and subsequently her) toward where I want us to go.

Not sure if that answers your question, but yours is a helpful thought exercise.

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matrixtospartanatLVMRP Approved•

Your wife writes the test.

That’s the end of her participation in the event.

YOU decide when, where, and how to answer the test. STFU? AA? AM? Now? Later? At all? Sometimes you win the game by refusing to play.

Then, YOU grade your response, because YOU are the final arbiter of your frame, and if your actions are congruent with your frame, not hers.

These are terms you should search for and study until you can explain it to the next newbie.

Frame.

Outcome Independence. This is arguably one of the most attractive qualities a man can have relative to indifference, confidence, etc. it also is part of the foundation of confidence.

5
part_wolfOP•

YOU are the final arbiter of your frame, and if your actions are congruent with your frame, not hers.

This is super helpful. The more I put this into practice, the more I realize it's really not about her at all.

4
SeamusAwl•

I've found that a few times I've been failing in a different way when my wife makes reasonable requests.

To me a reasonable request is..

me.. Going to store

her.. pick up "this" please

​

What is not a reasonable request is..

Me (get up and grab a drink and I sit back down)

Her.. Why didn't you get me a drink?

​

I was being a sarcastic prick. My wife pointed it out, and she was right.

One day, my wife called me an ass over text. So I sent her a gif of a dancing donkey shaking his ass with a single comment from me.. Damn right.

https://thumbs.gfycat.com/SimplisticBrownGuanaco-max-1mb.gif

​

The big lesson for me was if I just focus in on the true shit tests, your reactions will become more powerful.

In time, responding to shit tests properly will become second nature. You wont even think about it. And when you realized you fucked up, you don't care and continue on as if it never happened.

​

4
weakandsensitive•

ass

7
volk1970•

As a fellow new MRP dude, thanks for your post. It's refreshing to see someone that is also a work in progress that has realized where he was, where he is, and where he WILL be when he perfects his craft.

You kept it humble and saved the dick waving for a later date.

4
adeptintact•

Good post. When I first learned RP, I started seeing all requests as compliance tests in my LTR. I'd tell her no for a lot of minor stuff. I've learned sometimes she has reasonable requests.

I believe she should still be doing more for you in terms of requests. I still tell her no sometimes. Better to act like a jerk occasionally than to be a bitch. Makes them want you more.

1
mrp_awakening•

There's a lot of she's and her's in there buddy... you sure you're not still stuck in her frame?

She's told me she appreciates that I'm not just reacting, and she's been sweeter and more affectionate toward me. We're making progress because I'm making progress.

Did you tell her about fight club? Also, what the fuck is up with this "we're making progress" BS? Yep... you're balls deep in her frame.

That's a whole lotta words for "Don't Rambo".

This post would be better on the askMRP sub.

0†
part_wolfOP•

Not familiar with "don't rambo."

Feedback well taken. I was trying to say that I'm setting an example for what a better marriage looks like.

1
mrp_awakening•

Going rambo is when someone basically takes it from 0 to 100 in a week, fucks all their shit up because they don't understand and haven't internalized things yet, and then wonders why it's blowing everything up. Basically to not go rambo, read the sidebar, stick to the 12 stages of dread, and increase them at the appropriate rate.

1
part_wolfOP•

Makes a lot of sense, I'm still making my way through the sidebar.

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[deleted]•

[removed]

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resolutions316Unplugging•

This is basic, basic MRP terminology. I suggest checking out the sidebar reading.

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[deleted]•

[removed]

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weakandsensitiveMOD•

Bye.

3
RandomlyChosenTitle•

Why punish women for being women? Testing is in their nature. (Men shit test too, but that's another discussion).

1
BluepillProfessorMarried-MRP MODERATOR•

We are not punishing anybody. We are establishing our frame and refusing to be taken advantage any more. We are refusing to let an arrogant little vixen push our buttons and dominate us and standing up to continual psychological abuse and social gaslighting about the actual behaviors of women. Why should men be punished for being men?

2
Synthetic_Citizen•

Most people who come here eventually arrive at this conclusion, women are not the ideal that men expect, its time to not only see women for what they truly are but also accept them for what they truly are, normal women.

Hypergamous compulsion is normal female behavior, it is instinct and there is nothing wrong with it. Given the right circumstances, during the right moment in time, especially if she knows she is free of consequence, every single women on this planet will react the same way and fulfill her instinctive biological prime directive, AWALT. The true exceptions to this rule are so few that would make negligible difference if factored in.

We have been lied to about the nature of women and we now know the truth. Yes, women have been complicit in these lies and so have many men. It is within a womens biological imperative to support a narrative that benefits the female biological imperative at the expense of men, we cannot however say the same of men.

In the end the conclusion is clear, feminism is a big shit test and men are failing. The excuse of being ignorant of female nature, while still a valid excuse, is becoming a poor excuse in this day and age. People are becoming more aware of the politically correct narrative, and people are starting to recognise it as a form of control. Its time we take responsibility, only men truly can, nobody else has the capacity.

There is nothing wrong with them, they have only been executing their own biological imperative, it is instinctive compulsion and not premeditated malice. We cannot blame women for being women.

men are direct and logical, usually the most concise and to the point description suits us, we prefer to a one sentence explanation as opposed to the four paragraphs that would satisfy women. We are simple that way, it wastes less time discussing, exposes problems immediately and opens up time for action. But it is sometimes difficult to put certain things into few words, its easy to miss the forest for the trees.

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[deleted]•

[deleted]

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